We all know that feeling. After a long day of crushing deals and swimming through spreadsheets, your mind begins to wander.
“I should start my own business.”
While history has always made entrepreneurship an intimidating process, the age of the internet has made the practice easier than ever, and there’s no better clientele that the swaths of millennials eager to expand their debt to new horizons. We’re talking an entire generation that convinced themselves that spending $50k+ on college would solve all of their life’s problems. It’s not exactly a hard sell.
This series will be your flawless guide to creating a profitable business catered to Millennials that will sustain through the test of time. Or at least until Snapchat goes under.
Without further ado, I present to you The Ultimate Brunch Establishment.
Get a Pink Neon Centerpiece
Figuring out where to start with a new business is often the hardest part. Not for a brunch restaurant. You should spend 95% of your initial planning phase sketching and conceptualizing your pink neon centerpiece. Two shades of pink too dark and you’re ruined. Pick the wrong font and Instagram might unveil a “dislike” feature solely for your sake. With a poorly executed centerpiece, the only Snaps you’ll get will be of the food stamp variety.
When it comes to the actual copy of your sign, there are really only two options. The best branding choice is simply the name of your restaurant, but this can be risky. Unless your moniker is particularly catchy, contains the word “Rosé,” or shares its name with several white women over 80, there is a safer option. All you have to do is go to Target. Look for the cliché posters and coffee mugs with sayings on them for your best bets. Here are a few to get you started:
“Coffee is my BFF”
“Namastay In Bed”
“Coffee Before Talkie”
“No ‘Pagne No Gain”
Find Your Cocktail Niche
Once you’ve nailed down your centerpiece, it’s time to focus on the libations. Believe it or not, this part is simple. “Craft Cocktails” is a phrase that means absolutely nothing, and people have been mixing boozy concoctions since the advent of human history. You already have thousands of years of experience as your starting point.
All you have to do is take a handful of cherished cocktails and add a single unconventional ingredient. That’s not an old fashioned, it’s a “New Fashioned” because you added a scoop of artisan apricot paste. You just took your French 75 to a French 150 with that dash of nutmeg and chili powder. Charging $19 for that Bloody Mary isn’t a problem when you’ve garnished it with a blue cheese stuffed olive, a slice of pizza, and a validated parking garage ticket.
If trendy ingredients aren’t your forté, you can always take the easy way out. Just up the serving size by 300% and your customers will be buzzing too hard to realize your bacon tastes like shoe leather.
Pick Your Buzzwords
A business without buzzwords cannot stand. Every restaurant piggybacks on the same ten phrases to show the world just how unique and quirky they are.
Here are a few of my favorites. Pick a few and slap them on your website, menu, and Instagram accounts as often as you possibly can. If you have any budget left for a second neon sign, these are all fair game.
“Farm To Table”
Technically a factory farm is still a farm.
Buying Velveeta from the local warehouse still counts.
Words that don’t really mean anything add the most to your intrigue.
Just pick a fruit, vegetable, or herb, and muddle the shit out of it.
Nobody lives at this restaurant, but who cares.
We have one menu item that tastes even more like cardboard than the others.
Craft Your Food’s Aesthetic
Once you’ve got your sign, cocktails, and buzzwords in order it’s time to get the the literal bread and butter: the menu. While you might think the food is the most important component of the Ultimate Brunch Establishment, it actually barely matters at all. The bar you’re aiming for here is “sexy and somewhat edible.” You can’t taste a biscuit through Instagram, after all.
Your food should be the brunch equivalent of a really hot person who only replies with “Hey” on Tinder. Ensure that every dish looks great on at least three separate Instagram filters or you’re doomed.
Don’t be afraid to set your margins ridiculously high. After all, they’re not just paying $12 for a 20-cent biscuit. They’re paying $12 for a 20-cent biscuit, a miniscule amount of airline points, AND 100+ Instagram likes. No price is too high for that kind of self-validation.
Do Something Ridiculous
While you’ve done a lot to prime your restaurant for maximum ‘Grammability, you’re still not trendy enough to be truly successful. You need one more hook to set yourself apart from the neon masses. Luckily, the solution is simple. All you have to do is think of some form of entertainment that a basic millennial would never expect from a brunch joint, and give it a catchy name.
Tarot Cards & Tarragon. Jugglers & Juice. Board Games & Benedicts. Old School Rap & Food That’s Crap. My net worth just tripled writing this paragraph and I’m not even starting a restaurant.
It’s really that simple. If you follow these guidelines, the currency will follow. Just remember to keep your guard up. All it takes is a bigger brighter neon “Rosé” sign around the corner to topple your bougie ambitions.