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Marketing Company Blasts Employees In Office Memo About Excessive Pooping In “Secret” Bathroom

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The secret poop spot is a sacred place, a happy place. It is to be revered and respected. Employees of a St. Louis-based marketing company called Elasticity, abused the privilege of having such a place. The company was receiving complaints about their employees ascending to a rarely used restroom on the fourth floor of their building and using it as a poop refuge. The use of said restroom was called “unfettered and egregious abuse of the fourth floor lavatory.” Elasticity means business when it comes to proper number two protocol.

Here’s the full memo, via GoElastic.com:

MEMO TO ALL ELASTICITY STAFF & VISITORS
It has come to the attention of the management team that there has been unfettered and egregious abuse of the fourth floor lavatory by a myriad of Elasticity staff and visitors.

Whereas, as we are presently situated, Elasticity corporate facilities are equipped with one lavatory per 4,000-square-foot floor on levels three and four. This means that if your personal workspace resides on floor three, your day-to-day lavatory use, particularly extend-stay bowel movements, should occur in said third floor lavatory. The same holds true for occupants of said fourth floor and use therein of the lavatory on that level. Said malfeasance in “lavatory redirection” as defined by the World Economic Forum in Davos, has led to a dearth of critical resources and supplies in said fourth floor lavatory, vis-à-vis paper products and deodorizing spray intended to provide refreshing after-effects following individual lavatory visit.

Potentially of greater concern, particularly in light of recent public safety concerns, there has not been a consistent dearth of sanitizing hand soap in said fourth floor lavatory, which is troublesome considering the standard-issue fist-bumping that occurs on a day-to-day basis amongst Elasticity staff and visitors. This is a violation of Elasticity corporate policy as defined in the Employee Handbook.

Whereas, many parties have maintained extensive over-use of said fourth floor lavatory, the management team desires to maintain a refreshing, harassment-free lavatory environment, void of excrement yet plentiful in paper products, deodorizing spray, and additional lavatory and marital-aid devices. Therefore wherein, and in exchange for mutual assurances seeking to re-redirect said present cases of “lavatory redirection,” the parties commit to a non-circumvention agreement that ensures for proper, equitable and fair use of said third and fourth floor lavatories by appropriate persons. All parties agree to the intended depletion of lavatory resources on the floor upon which their company-assigned personal workspace is located. However, exceptions are permitted in cases of pre-approved emergencies to include significant and urgent downward pressure upon the inner walls of the small and/or large intestines of Elasticity staff and visitors.

Let it be known, this mutual understanding amongst Elasticity staff therein amongst management and visitors to collectively adopt the above-stated terms and conditions and voluntarily enter into this agreement, which said parties acknowledge is legally binding at the time the parties have executed this agreement under executive seal.

Sincerely,
The Management Minus Andrew Barnett who is perhaps the greatest contributor (not including Zach) to said above-stated atrocities

I side with the employees who are retreating to a quiet poop haven. I lost my secret poop spot a few months back. I foolishly revealed the position of my own personal dumping area after a few too many vodka presses at a company happy hour. Our office has a gym on the first floor and in the mid-afternoon, the men’s locker room is empty. Around 3:30, I would grab my phone and head down for a nice 7-20 minute break from the stresses of the modern workspace. Within weeks, my precious, wide-bodied stall was being violated and desecrated at all hours of the day. I have yet to forgive myself, or bring myself to beg forgiveness from the lavatory itself.

In the end, this looks like a creative viral marketing ploy by a start-up just looking for an edge. Regardless, I respect the hustle. Best of luck to you, Elasticity.

[via Riverfront Times]

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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