Mondays can be tough. That’s why every Monday from now until you die, I’ll be doing the Manic Monday Mailbag. You can submit your questions by clicking “Mailbag” on our submission form, or emailing email@example.com. Be sure to include your first name, city, state and Twitter handle if you’d like that information included. I look forward to reading everyone’s hilarious inquiries.
Q: I have a VERY hands-on boss. I work in a small company where the boss is the owner, she’s ALWAYS around, and ALWAYS wants to know what I’m doing/working on. Sometimes she stands over me, goes “I’m not watching you or anything,” and proceeds to question every little thing I’m doing. She has to be involved in everything, yet when I try and have a conversation with her, she just tunes out as soon as she gets bored or distracted by something else. The best part is that she calls and emails and texts me 24/7 about nonsense, mostly stuff that I can’t take care of when I’m not in the office.
Would you say she’s a helicopter boss, kind of like helicopter parents?
What you’re dealing with here is a classic case of obsessive micromanagement. Your boss thinks she’s smarter than you, and doesn’t trust you to do a good job unless she monitors your every move. It also sounds like she’s trying to bang you, sexually. Hitting you up 24/7 via call, text and email isn’t normal. Next time she texts you after hours, respond with something like this: “You like being a helicopter boss? I’ll show you my meat helicopter.” Then text her a video of you doing the helicopter with your penis. Be warned, though. If this works like I think it will, she’ll go from micromanaging you in the office to micromanaging you in the bedroom, and we all know how annoying that can be. Or she’ll immediately fire you for sending her a video of you spinning your penis around like the blades on a helicopter, and you’ll probably need to erase her name from the references section of your résumé after she sues you for sexual harassment.
Q: Any suggestions for creative places to post sticky notes when you run out of real estate on the bottom of your computer monitor?
—@DeanSchleicher in Rockville, MD
Nope. Once you’ve run out of room on the bottom of your computer monitor, that’s the end of the line. You’re fucking done. Box up your shit, and go home. You had a good run.
Q: I lost some serious money last night on the Yankees and Diamondbacks. I’m fucking furious right now at gambling and at fucking life. What is the best way to channel my rage? I’m not gonna quit gambling, so that is not an option. I placed an unnecessary amount of money on the Detroit Tigers this afternoon. That kind of helped. I am looking for someone to punch me in the face. Like seriously beat the fuck out of me. How do you feel about this?
—Stu in Houston, TX
Obviously you can’t quit gambling. Quitting is for losers. You’re not a loser, are you? Just double your bets, and join a local fight club. If Brad Pitt and Edward Norton taught us anything, it’s that the best way to relieve corporate stress is by beating the ever-living shit out of another human being. Seriously though, it’s football season; there is no reason you should still be betting on baseball, you degenerate scumbag.
Q: How long am I allowed to mourn the fact that I’m no longer in college?
It took me a little under two years to complete the mourning process, but everyone is different. Eventually you’ll run out of ways to say, “I miss drinking all day and casual sex with strangers!” and talking about college will get old to you and everyone around you. Then it’s time to move on with your life, quit living in the past, and start complaining about how much your job sucks instead of complaining about how awesome college was. Grow up, Peter Pan.
Q: Why do chicks insist upon posting about their cleanses on Facebook? They’d be pissed if I talked about how great my shits were after drinking twelve Busch Lights and eating Taco Bell. Guess what? I’m pissed they’re talking about how great their shits were after eating only acai berries and drinking only pepper and water for a week.
—Patrick in Richmond, VA
Talking about anything health related on Facebook brings great shame to your family. I don’t care if you’re a girl that changes her status to “Getting an early start!” and checks-in at the running trail, or a guy that posts his WOD time from CrossFit, or a transgendered con artist who peddles Advocare by sharing testimonials, none of that stuff is okay. That chick that only ate acai berries and drank pepper and water for a week sounds hot, though.
Q: I have a pretty cool work environment. Most people are young and relatively cool. As with every company, there is an oddball. This guy I’m referring to is fucking weird. He’s about 50. He talks to himself, sleeps at his desk, makes the worst loud, noticeable grunting noise you can possibly imagine when he pisses, and worst of all, he wears running shoes with his slacks. I don’t think I’ve said more than two words to him in my year at the company. On Monday, I am feeling terrible from the weekend and am going for my third shit of the morning. He is walking out of the bathroom as I am scurrying in. He drops down and gets in a defensive stance and starts playing defense on me. I laugh and move past him.
I have 2 questions here:
1. What the fuck was going on?
2. Should I have just decked this motherfucker? I couldn’t have possibly been fired for this. He was fucking playing defense on me.
—Jason in Pittsburgh, PA
1. This was a classic showdown of machismo, caveman-style. You lost badly. That weirdo basically bent you over his knee, spanked you like a child, and made you call him daddy.
2. Next time this grunt-pisser tries to break you down in the defense stance, absolutely drop a haymaker on his assumedly running nose. This guy needs to be put in check. He needs to know that you’re the alpha male, you run the office, and you’re not gonna take shit from some old fart who talks to himself and wears running shoes with khaki pants. Destroy him.
Q: What’s your opinion on being a virgin in college? No one wants to have girlfriend freshman year. Does it even matter if you just get it over with? Pros: get better in the sack for later college experiences. Cons: you lose it to some whore named Hannah.
—Sam in Waco, TX
Woah, Sam. You just came in here and changed up the whole vibe with a crazy serious question. Nobody is telling you to go lose your virginity to some whore named Hannah. Forget about Hannah. Take your time, find yourself a nice, equally naive babe that is down to get weird, and go from there. I’m not saying this girl needs to be your girlfriend, either. Having a girlfriend in college is like walking into FAO Schwarz, picking one toy, and only playing with that one toy. That’s just stupid. Look at all those other toys you could be playing with. You’re in a fucking toy store!
Q: Rage quitting at a company: is it ever worth it, or do you just leave with your dignity still intact?
I assume by “rage quitting” you mean totally losing your cool and making a huge scene on your way out like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire. It obviously depends entirely on the situation. If you hated the company, absolutely loathed your time there, and you’re quitting because something wildly unfair happens to you, and your freakout won’t have an effect on the future of your professional career, by all means, go apeshit. But if you flipping over your desk, taking a shit in the corner of your boss’s office, and stealing all of the food from the office refrigerator is going to prevent you from ever being hired again, it’s probably not a good idea.
Q: How do you know if you have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)? I used to shit about 4 to 5 times a week. Now, for about a month, I have been shitting 3+ times a day. I am actually worried. Reading up on it on Wikipedia, I see that IBS can occur following an infection. I am recently coming off of an infection. Should I see a doctor? Do you have a suggestion?
—Steve in Sacramento, CA
I don’t know, Steve. For the love of God, go to a doctor. No medical questions next week, please.