Mondays can be tough. That’s why every Monday from now until you die, I’ll be doing the Manic Monday Mailbag to keep us both entertained. You can submit your questions by clicking “Mailbag” on our submission form, or emailing email@example.com. Be sure to include your first name, city, state and Twitter handle if you’d like that information included.
Q: I have to submit a self assessment survey two weeks from now. I spend about 75% of my time in the office surfing the internet, and when I do actually work, I’d say I am an average employee at best. I’m still new enough that I can get away with “I wasn’t aware that was the proper procedure, and it won’t happen again, sir” type of excuses for my laziness/mistakes, so I’m not really sure how to go about completing this evaluation. I’m not sure how the managers are looking for me to answer these questions. What’s the play? Do I say I think I’ve been doing a good job, that I need to improve my work habits, that I’m God’s gift to this firm? Any words of wisdom are appreciated.
Well, it sounds like you’re a terrible employee, so I definitely wouldn’t try to pass yourself off as the most valuable and hardworking member of the firm. If you do that, your managers are going to know you’re full of shit, and hate you even more than I’m assuming they already do. If you can’t even convince yourself that you’re doing a good job, then it’s pretty likely that you would fail miserably in attempting to convince your bosses that you’re doing a good job. Be realistic about areas you could improve, but definitely don’t question your own work ethic. Keep it real, but don’t keep it too real. I’m not your boss, and I’ve never met you, but I want to fire you so fucking hard right now. Get your shit together.
Q: I recently read the column where a fellow postgrad was getting sexted by some dude she met at a bar. In the beginning of the article, she mentioned how she had no choice but to give him her real number. My question is, how do you avoid doing this in the 21st century? Most often if you give somebody your number, they call that number while you’re still standing there to make sure it’s correct. I’ve been trying to come up with a clever way to give a fake number without it being awkward for some time now, but somehow always miss the shot. Fellow postgrads, help me out here.
Girls are way too timid about these situations. Just tell the guy to fuck off. Don’t give him a fake number and lead his pathetic ass on. Have some fun with it. Tell him you’re a CIA agent and not allowed to give out your phone number. Tell him you don’t believe in phones because Jesus didn’t have one. Tell him you don’t have one because they cause brain tumors. Tell him you’re in a witness protection program because your father was involved in organized crime, and they won’t allow you to have a cell phone. Tell him you’re riddled with herpes. Give him your real number, and then when he calls just scream obscenities into the phone like a demon with Tourette’s syndrome. Don’t be like a baby.
Q: If my morning is going well, I wake up with plenty of time to shower and dress myself. By plenty of time to shower and dress myself, I mean I have enough time to take a few morning liberties as well. Maybe a dump, definitely a solid morning J-O sesh in the shower. Often times, however, I don’t give myself enough time in the morning, and I have to skip my morning pleasure times.
Unfortunately, my body is conditioned to expect a pretty solid morning release, so when it doesn’t get it, my body goes nuts. I NEED to J-O. If I don’t, I can expect random erections basically all day. Waking around with a perpetually belt tucked hard-on is miserable, so I usually go to the bathroom and low key give myself a squeezer in the stall at the end of the bathroom. My question is, which is worse? Jacking it in my office bathroom, or walking around with a hard on all day?
Look, you can’t just be walking around the office like Ron Burgandy all day, but jacking it in the office bathroom is just wrong. The office is a place of professional business. If you combine your disgusting sexual release with that professional environment, everything gets all confusing, and the next thing you know you’re putting your cell phone in your lap and calling yourself from your office phone because you like the way the vibration feels, putting your dick in the copy machine after hours, and making weird sexual gestures with your tongue to the cleaning lady. Go home at lunch and do your business, and ask your doctor if there’s some kind of anti-boner medication you can be taking to suppress your disturbing urges.
Q: In fantasy football, I made the trade offer of Ray Rice and Benjarvus Green-Ellis for Jamaal Charles and Alfred Morris. Should I stick with it, or do you think Ray Rice will make a speedy recovery and not be worth trading?
Just for the record, you’re asking a moron that traded Larry Fitzgerald for Sidney Rice and Montee Ball during the preseason. That being said, if I’m the guy on the Jamaal Charles and Alfred Morris side of this trade, I’m laughing in your face and sending you a counteroffer of your entire team for my kicker.
Q: When I was in college, I never got into a relationship because I thought I was doing the smart thing by getting drunk on the weekends and trying to hook up with random strangers. I figured I would be grow up after college and meet the woman of my dreams. However, I didn’t realize how difficult it is to find someone postgrad. I’m in the Army, so I live outside an Army post, and literally every woman I’ve met since moving down here is pretty unattractive, and the few attractive women I do meet are married to one of my buddies or tell me they have kids from a previous relationship.
At what point does it become weird to say you’ve never had a real girlfriend? Should I lower my standards and and try to lose my relationship V-card, or just wait it out and hope that when I meet a decent woman that she’s not turned off by my lack of previous relationships?
I definitely wouldn’t go around advertising the fact that you’ve never had a real girlfriend. If that conversation comes up, find a way to play it off. Say something like: “I’ve dated around, and a had a couple relatively serious relationships, but nothing too crazy.” As far as lowering your standards goes, I’d definitely do it for the sake of sanity while your job location dictates the availability of quality women, but when it comes time to really lock a female down for the long haul, don’t settle for some beastly local that has four kids and a third nipple just because you’re impatient.
Q: “Paul,” a middle-aged married man with kids who still manages to cut loose, was tempted by a young, busty nurse that I hired and we manage. I was kept up-to-date on everything that started to happen, from flirtatious texts, to picture messages, and even a small date. When I found out Paul and Erin went to dinner, had drinks, and fooled around afterwards, is when I started to want out of the loop. A married coworker flirting with another employee is all in good fun, but acting on those emotions is an entirely different situation. Especially when both parties are married with kids.
Now that things are getting serious, and I am receiving unprompted details of the relationship, I want out. I don’t want to hear about this middle-aged coworker fooling around with a young 25-year-old girl, nor do I want to think about the marriages and kids that are on the other side of the relationship. Time will only tell if there will be professional repercussions, and I want to ensure that I am not involved in any way.
I realize I probably can’t stop the relationship from happening, but I would like to get back to a state of ignorance. How should I handle this situation? Would it be best to pretend it isn’t happening and get out of the loop so I can claim ignorance once it blows up in Paul’s face? Or should I take some action to help Paul keep it strictly professional?
Run for your fucking life. I would tell Paul that you’re extremely uncomfortable with the way things are progressing, and that you would appreciate if he left you out of it altogether from now on. You don’t want to be the third party that has feelings of guilt over an awful situation that has nothing to do with you. If you’re close enough to Paul to feel comfortable doing so, explain to him that you’re concerned with the effects this affair will have on his spouse and children. That 25-year-old nurse sounds hot though, so Paul will probably ignore your advice and continue ruining his life over a piece of hot, young nurse ass. The most important thing is to make sure you never end up in Paul’s situation. Don’t be like Paul. Paul is an asshole, and everyone hates him.
Q: I graduated a couple of years ago and currently live and work in a pretty college-y town. A lot of the guys I meet out are in grad school. They are probably going to be very accomplished lawyers/doctors/astrophysicists one day, but they currently live in absolute squalor. What’s your advice? Date grad students now and just deal with it, or don’t date grad students and run the risk of them all being scooped up once they’re wildly successful?
Buy low, sell high. Or in your case, buy low and lock that astrophysicist down so that one day you can quit your job and sit around watching The Real Housewives of Orange County and sipping mojitos out of a diamond encrusted chalice. Sure, it probably sucks dating a man-boy that still gets blackout drunk three nights a week, doesn’t know how to make his own bed, and doesn’t have much time for you because he has to study nonstop, but if you can find one you really love and put up with all the downsides now, the payoff could be huge.
Q: It may undoubtedly be football season, but baseball is still going strong and the playoff chase is heating up. Even if you aren’t the biggest fan, almost any sport is watchable during the playoffs. Whether it’s the lack of bad teams, the impending early end to an otherwise good season, or the drive toward a championship, the excitement is exponentially greater for both the players and the fans. My sex life used to be similarly exciting. Everyone was at the top of their game, we were out giving it our all, and no one wanted it to end early. These days, I’m feeling more like I’m in rebuilding mode.
It’s not that I don’t get laid anymore, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that instead of perennial all stars and the newest crop of first round draft picks, my bullpen is now filled with more aging veterans, overvalued young prospects, and other “athletes” that in more competitive years would have been cut from the team.
Are these girls awful? Of course not, but throwback jerseys aren’t meant to be your regular attire. From time to time they can be a nostalgic change of pace, but when they are an all-the-time thing, they start to lose their novelty.
Have I lost my touch as a player/coach? I don’t think so. I’m employed in a job that looks great on paper, haven’t experienced any real weight gain, and have “matured” at least marginally. Is my approach to the game too stuck in the past, unable to compete with those engaged in newer “Moneyball” tactics?
Maybe you’re having trouble finding any real talent because you’re spending too much time coming up with outrageously awesome analogies. In all seriousness, finding a solid compass to steer your postgrad love boat in the right direction can be daunting. Everyone has a different approach. I will say that I find entirely too many people are obsessing over how poorly things are going for them when it comes to dating. You have to let things happen in their own time. Don’t force it, and don’t stress yourself out. Life, uh, finds a way.
Q: I just graduated from college in May. I was a traditional college student, can’t relate with a lot of things on this website about hating fellow employees or HR (I don’t even know if HR exists for my company), and I love my job. Is there something wrong with me?
Yeah, you’re a braggart. Keep it to yourself, show off.