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Manic Monday Mailbag

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Q: Bolen, I don’t want to hear your sidestepping excuses as to why you can’t answer this. Why in God’s name can you not publish Manic Mailbag Monday more than once a damn decade? Seriously, all you do is get emails, copy and paste, and maybe edit them lightly so they’re actually readable to a human being. It isn’t that hard. If you aren’t getting enough questions, would it really be that difficult to make some up? Nope, it wouldn’t be. I want an actual answer as to why I can’t enjoy the struggles that my peers are going through, as the answers, which usually aren’t helpful at all, are usually written in a manner that makes me chuckle.
—Caleb

Dude, get off my ass. First of all, it’s an absurd exaggeration to accuse me of only doing this column once a decade. I’ve done it several times in the past year. Secondly, when the readers aren’t sending in questions, I don’t have questions to answer, and therefore the column can’t exist. I’m not going to make up questions. What kind of lunatic makes up a question, pretends it’s from an internet stranger, and then answers it himself? Not me, buddy. That’s not how I roll. I operate within the realm of the real. Real names, no gimmicks.

Q: Is bush coming back? I’m not talking about #41 or #43.
—Michael

Has bush crept back into the female pubic regions of the world? Rumor grows of a shadow in the south, whispers of a nameless fear. I can’t attest to this comeback you speak of, but as a man that sports an illustrious thatch of pubic hair, I refuse to be a hypocrite and stand against any sort of bush-related revolution that may or may not be taking place.

Q: If you were an evil villain, what would be your prize to steal?
—Paige

Like how Bowser stole Princess Peach? Is that what we’re talking about here? Probably Beyonce. People would lose their shit if an evil villain kidnapped Beyonce and demanded a ransom. I’d probably get like $100 billion. I’d force her to perform “Drunk in Love” for me over and over. I guess Jay Z would be Mario in this scenario. Would Kanye be Luigi?

Q: I recently decided to join the Tinder world, despite some serious reservations about the vanity and casualness of using an app for dating. To combat these concerns, I developed a strict set of standards when swiping. If me and a nice young lady had a shared interest of Mitt Romney, automatic swipe right. If the young lady had a profile picture of a “selfie” (I believe this is what the kids are calling it these days, I mean a photo one takes of themselves, sometimes utilizing a mirror, sometimes just holding the camera away from them), automatic swipe left. Then, I came across a young lady whose picture was a “selfie,” but also liked Mitt Romney. I am at a crossroads. I have to swipe one way or the other and it appears that somehow, someway, I will have to comprise my morals and standards in an irreparable and damaging way. I have no idea what to do. Your timely assistance in this manner is greatly appreciated.
—Grant

You have “Mitt Romney” listed as an interest on Tinder? The guy fucking lost. He seems like a nice man, and I watched Mitt on Netflix, but it’s time to stop living in the past. You certainly shouldn’t be making relationship decisions based on a mutual respect and admiration for a losing presidential candidate. I’m in awe of your two rules for Tinder usage.

1. “If her photo is a selfie, swipe left.”
2. “If she is interested in Mitt Romney, swipe right.”

Your Tinder game is shit. You desperately need to reevaluate your priorities when it comes to finding a mate, and probably your entire life in general.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Throbes podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets and Astros fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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