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Manic Monday Mailbag

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Q: My girlfriend just graduated in December and is about to have her second interview with the company I work for. We’ve been together for 4 years now, so relationship wise everything is great. I’m just not sure how I feel about her working in the same place as me. We will be in completely separate departments, so we’ll rarely, if ever, see each other unless we try to, but I still feel a little weird about it. I obviously want her to get a job, and it would pay well so we would have two solid incomes which would definitely be awesome. Any thoughts on the whole working in the same place as your girlfriend thing?
—Jet

You’re in quite the pickle, my friend. You obviously want her to have a good job, but that workplace is your man territory. What if you and a few other dudes are discussing the finer points of Kate Upton’s boobs by the coffee pot when your girlfriend walks up, hands you a PB&J sandwich in a little plastic bag, kisses you on the cheek and says, “Here’s your lunch, hun! Hehe!” BOOM! Those dudes will never respect you again, because you’re a little PB&J eating bitch.

You’ve been together for four years, so I assume you’re nearing “shit or get off the pot” territory, and it’s just a matter of time before you’re taking the next step and getting engaged. Once that happens and marriage is around the corner, protecting the “me time” you have is going to become more and more difficult, especially if you’re carpooling to work with your wife everyday. Time to yourself is vital in ensuring a relationship’s longterm success. I recommend finding a way to avoid this potentially life ruining situation, especially if you’re boning a coworker or something.

Q: I hate my girlfriend, but she has sex with me and does all types of stuff for me like cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Pretty much me breaking up with her comes down to how little I want to do all that shit. How long is it okay for me to take advantage of her services? Years? I thought this is why God invented mistresses.
—Dom

Man, you sound awful. It’s okay for you to take advantage of her “services” for literally zero seconds. Look, some men get married and spend their entire lives with a woman just to benefit from the “services” she provides, then they die sad and alone after leading a completely meaningless sham of a life just because they didn’t want to fold their own fucking clothes. Don’t be that guy. Also, I’m pretty sure God didn’t invent mistresses. Weirdo.

Q: What’s the best way to flirt and hook up with the interns without fucking yourself over or making it awkward?
—Brandon

Fire her first.

Q: I have a real dilemma here. I’m a 23-year-old male who is somewhat decent looking and pulls his fair share of vag. I’m not saying I slay hoodrats non-stop or anything, but I’m not a hopeless pussy of a human being. Now back to my question, when I’m taking a girl home recently I can’t help but think of one thing in my head…am I manscaping the correct way?

Now, since I was in middle school and those little pubes starting sprouting out of my genital area, I’ve always just clean shaved, partly because when I was in athletics we would take showers after working out and that’s what everyone else did. Now, since I wasn’t a D-1 athlete, I don’t have the luxury of taking public showers and being exposed to the recent manscaping trends.

I’m worried I’m behind and that every time a chick grabs my dick she doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. Please help.
—Caleb

There are three methods to manscaping: full bush, regular trimming to keep things manageable, and clean shaven. There’s no right answer here, but as far as I can tell from reading different columns and watching movies and TV and what not, women want you to keep your lettuce tight. For some reason clean shaven has always creeped me out though. I’m not trying to come off as some wannabe porn star or a prepubescent little boy. I don’t fucking know, man. Ask girls or go shower with a bunch of different groups of men and study their pubes. Weirdo.

Q: I was in the bathroom stall taking my 9 AM, and another guy was in the stall next to me. Once the guy in the other stall got into position, 75 cents dropped out of his pocket. I heard a “fuck” as two of the quarters rolled under to my stall, then quickly back to silence. I assume the guy was thinking whether or not he wanted to pick up the change. Turns out, that guy valued those two quarters enough to reach under the wall into my stall and pick up the change. Which brings me to my series of questions: Do you really want to be known as that guy to pick up less than $1 off an office complex public bathroom? Should I have kicked over the change, or, God forbid, asked the guy if he wanted it back while we were both shitting? Should I be pissed that a grown man, a stranger no less, reached into my stall just to grab these quarters without a proper warning? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
—Larry

Woah. That’s your personal space. He crossed the invisible barrier below the actual fucking barrier. I’m not saying you should stomp on that dude’s hand repeatedly and scream “RAPE!” over and over, but you have to do something to let him know that what he just did is not cool. If for some incredibly odd reason this ever happens again, pick up both quarters without saying a word, quickly finish your business and bail. Then buy yourself a gumball or a rubber bouncy ball.

Q: Last Friday, after our company potluck lunch, I got the urge to unleash a fiery, molten explosion of diarrhea into one of said company’s toilets. As I presume is the case with many other companies, most of our restroom traffic usually takes place in the morning, after everyone’s morning cup of Joe works its way through their systems. I assumed I would be able to trash my porcelain throne relatively anonymously and continue going about my workday. However, on this particular day, the lady in charge of cleaning the bathrooms (and chiseling dried up shit off of the toilets) decided to arrive early, and to my horror was waiting for me to exit the bathroom as I opened the door to re-enter my cubicle maze. If the odors I produced in that stall weren’t enough to drain all of the color from my face, the realization that I had just left possibly the freshest, yet worst surprise of that poor lady’s career to tend to certainly was. Needless to say, I avoided eye contact with her at all costs and rounded the corner as quickly as I possibly could without busting into an all out sprint.

So my question is this: How would you have conducted yourself if you opened up the bathroom door to leave, and standing on the other side of it was the poor soul who was directly responsible for cleaning up the volcanic, world class eruption that you just spewed all over one of her usually well kept toilet bowls? Do you thank her? Apologize? Tip her? Laugh in her face? We have another company potluck this coming Friday so I am in need of some urgent advice here.
—Anonymous

Just look her right in the eye, place your hand on her right shoulder, and say, “I am so, so sorry.” Walk away and don’t look back.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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