Update: If you have any awful punishments you’ve ever heard of, email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll compile the best of the best (or worst of the worst, depending on how you look at it).
I don’t play fantasy football anymore. And I’m not trying to say that in the Darren Rovellian way of “I’m too good for fantasy football,” I say it in the way of someone who perpetually finished last in his league and lost $150 year in and year out.
As the stakes grew higher, my ambition to play fantasy football grew lower. I became afraid of what I’d lose. Afraid of what my friends would make me do once their lives got more boring and they realized cash wasn’t enough of an incentive to do well. I’ve heard of some cruel-ass punishments out there from having to take the ACT as a 26-year-old man to simply having the losing party wear their rival’s jersey to work for a day.
But this one? Yeah, it sucks.
I’m not familiar with New England, but I’d assume that this guy is posted up at a pretty prime location where you wouldn’t want to be caught as a cross-dressing dude with a beard. Had I been in his league, there’s no way I would’ve let him skimp by with shades on – I’d want him to be looking everyone directly in the eye and sulk in his awfulness.
I guess this is why you don’t suck at fantasy football. .