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Mailbag: Hitting Kangaroos With Your Car, Beards As A Facial Crutch, And Fuckboy Haircuts

Mailbag

Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co.

The fuckboy haircut. What is this? Can you post some examples?

Thank you

The fuckboy haircut is the hairstyle that every white guy on The Bachelorette wears. It’s short on the sides but it’s short all the way up the sides, not like the traditional slow fade from short to longer as it goes up the side of the head. Then it’s obnoxiously long on top so the fuckboy under the fuckboy haircut can swish it all around up top like the fuckboy he is.

Here’s Jordan Rodgers, aka Will’s least favorite human, with a fuckboy:

A post shared by Jordan Rodgers (@jrodgers11) on

Sup dale, I’ve got some Qs for you.

1) Suppose your kid couldn’t play one of the main four HS sports (football, basketball, baseball and golf), what sport would you want him playing?

2) You’ve spoken often of austin bachelor parties, but as we are both residents of Texas, we both get to go out in Austin often. Where is the best bachelor party location?

3) If you had to be in a historical military (pre 1700s), which one would it be? The Romans? The vikings? The 10000 immortals?

1) I guess lacrosse. I’m not into it but it’s at least a physical sport. If he plays soccer, I won’t try to stop him, but I’ll never attend his games. And he’ll know why.

2) Note: I’m only choosing places in the U.S. for this question.

Many will disagree with me but I love Vegas as a bachelor party destination. It’s the go-to. It has gambling, the pool scene, incredible food, nice hotels, great nightlife, and golf. It’s the adult playground of the world.

I haven’t done Scottsdale but I hear it’s a great spot if you and your squad are passionate golfers. I’ll throw Charleston in this category, too, which I have been to for a bachelor party. Decent bar scene there, too. Humid as hell in the summer, however.

New Orleans is also a primo spot if you’re into two or three nights of just pure, unadulterated debauchery. Fuck that’s a dirty place.

3) I guess I’d be a Viking. I don’t get sea sick and I’ve always liked cold weather. They were savages, too, which many people think is a term synonymous with my everyday demeanor in present day America.

Dillon –

I was hoping that you or Dave could write a story trashing the shit out of this nation wide beard trend. I’m an active duty armor officer and it’s even trying to make its way into our military ranks. It’ll never happen, but people are trying to petition the SMA of the army to allow beards. This is fucking trash. It’s lazy and disgusting. Patton shaved his mug every fuckin morning and we sure as hell didn’t crush the third Reich growing soul patches and drinking hipster beer. It’s a moomoo for fat faces and Will is public enemy #1. Unless you’re a truck driver or meth head you should shave your shit. Anyway, love DDB and any TB that doesn’t involve the bachelor.

If you can get to it in the next year lemme know.

I won’t comment on whether I think the beard belongs in the military or not, because everyone in the military, past or present, is better than me.

As you may or may not know, I am unable to grow a full beard. It comes in like a newly pubescent Mexican boy’s. It’s not a great look on me so I choose to fly clean-shaven at all times. For this reason, I am totally envious of anyone with a beard. I’d grow one out in the cold months every year if I could.

Now, I do think that many guys use beards as a facial crutch or to cover up unsightly jaw lines or not-so-handsome facial features. A good-looking man sans beard is akin to a good-looking woman sans makeup. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s the truest version of yourself.

But yeah, I’d love to mix one in if I could. Will’s beard is very strong, by the way. I mean that thing is impressive.

Hi Dillon!

You did request more questions, so here’s what I’ve got for you. I am planning a one week trip to Melbourne, Australia at the beginning of July AND I AM STOKED. There is one internal debate that keeps throwing a wrench in my trip planning, though: whether or not to rent a car. While this may seem like a “why the hell are you even asking this sort of question” question, here are the points of contention:

1. They drive on the wrong side of the road.

2. By the time I arrive in Australia, I will literally not have driven a car for a year, on account that I have been living in China, working for a nonprofit NGO. A Westerner who drives in China has a death wish. There are many unwritten rules of the road here, which actually means that there are no rules of the road.

3. I have been informed by word of mouth that there is an incredibly high chance of hitting a kangaroo while driving, and that the proper etiquette following that unfortunate event is to pull over and check if the kangaroo is still alive. If the poor beast doth still breathe, you are then expected to put it out of its misery via a quick bludgeoning, which might damper my mood a bit.

Pros: Successfully driving there would be hella cool.

And I should also mention that it is easy enough to book tours to see all of the places I want to drive to.

So, what do you think? Worth the risks?

You’re telling me the proper etiquette after you hit a kangaroo with your car in Australia is to pull over, get out of your car, then beat it to death? WHAT? Man, Australia is wild af. I realize you were sharing point number three as a reason not to drive, but, as a casual observer who has virtually no chance of hitting a kangaroo myself, I need you to hit a kangaroo with your car so you can beat it lifeless and report back with the full story. I want you to be safe, of course, but I need this to happen.

Okay so I don’t actually hope you hit a kangaroo and now I’ll feel bad if you do, plus I’m an animal lover. But it could happen, and that’s exciting.

___

The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Dillon graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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