Brunch is the real world version of your college dining hall. You catch up with friends while recovering from a hellacious hangover, but now it’s perfectly acceptable to get sloppy drunk off overpriced mimosas. While the arrival of brunch means another weekend is nearing its end, and you can already hear the “Ping!” of Gmail in the distance, there’s still time to consume enough Bloody Marys to make you believe the weekend’s going to last forever.
Your brunch choice is generated by a variety of factors, including your hangover level and the person you wake up next to. This helpful guide will tell you exactly where to brunch based on your specific Sunday situation.
Breakfast In Bed
Hangover Level: Death is imminent.
No, this is not your child bringing you delicious pancakes they made to celebrate a holiday, or your partner sexily feeding you strawberries while you gaze at them sleepily. This hangover level means that you took the same amount of shots as you would during an average night in college, and that decision making has resulted in disastrous consequences. In this case, you are sharing the bed with a significant other who’s looking at you in disgust, a romantic interest you’re trying to remember (but already regretting), or a plate of Bagel Bites. If someone suggests brunch, or mentions any of the cocktails you consumed last night, you’ll be forced to spend the rest of the day vomiting, cursing your liver, and wishing you were young again.
Dreaming Of A Deli
Hangover Level: So hungover you can barely breathe.
You’re craving a warm and toasty bagel smothered in cream cheese. You want to carbo-load for a big race, and that race is life. You pray the deli does delivery, but when you finally accept that it doesn’t, you drag your carcass out of bed and consume all the calories they offer. You finish up your delicious meal with an ice cold coffee that will make you feel better for approximately an hour, until your two day hangover kicks in for good, forcing you to spend some quality time with your toilet.
The Greasy Spoon
Hangover Level: Lower than a red alert, but still high.
You’re hungover enough to feel like you’re slowly dying. You woke up next to someone you recognize, but they’re regrettable enough that you don’t want to accompany them to a chic breakfast spot in case you run into friends (or worse yet, coworkers), because you don’t want to explain your not-so-significant other to others. You bring them to a greasy dive because they insist on nourishment, but pray you won’t encounter anyone you’ve ever seen. You can only hope they’ll think you’re trying to take them somewhere kitschy, as opposed to seeing it for what it really is: a health department risk.
The Beautiful Brunch
Hangover Level: Low to none, you’re a champion.
Congratulations! You woke up with someone you’re not ashamed of. Whether that person is yourself or a long-time significant other, you’re proud of your weekend activities. Maybe you went out for happy hour and managed not to get carried away, or stayed in because you had a rough week and needed a night with Netflix. Maybe brunch is the highlight of your week, in which case, I’m sorry. Whatever it is, you realize that not being hungover means you have the ability to be productive, and vow never to drink again. You meet up with friends to recap your weekend while enjoying an egg-white omelet, laughing at the walk of shamers. Before you get too smug, though, think back to last weekend when you were lying in bed, praying to the hangover gods that you wouldn’t regurgitate your midnight mac and cheese. Like all things in life, brunch plans are cyclical —while you’re up and about today, you could be down and passed out tomorrow, so try not to black out over breakfast in celebration of escaping a hangover.