Thank you so much for scheduling that late Friday afternoon meeting. It means so much that you were thinking of us and didn’t want to pick a time when others might be busy. Don’t worry that the reason no one is ever busy on Friday afternoon is because NO ONE wants to fucking work on a Friday afternoon. My mind has been on the weekend since I left the office on Wednesday, and the brief taste of freedom I had at happy hour Thursday evening has only left me wanting more. Now, I understand you’re a family man, and I understand that makes you dread going home to your screaming kids and a weekend full of soccer practice and ballet, but I’m not there yet. I need to take a nap then start drinking the moment I wake up so I’m in prime condition to go out and try to hook up with every girl who talks to me. Let me have my fun while I’m young, before society pressures me into settling down and turning into you. Wouldn’t you ask for the same thing if you were in my shoes?
I’m gonna level with you here – I’ve been too hungover to work all damn day. I slipped in an hour late. Hell, I even put a fake meeting on my calendar today so I could sneak out and take a nap in the back seat of my car without anyone getting suspicious. Point being, I am in no state, mental or physical, to put up with your work bullshit on a Friday afternoon.
But let’s put aside the miserable condition my mind and body are both in for a second, and let’s get down to what’s really bothering me. I’m an entry-level employee. I have nothing to contribute to this meeting that you are making me sit though. My only purpose is to smile, nod, and agree with whatever you say because I don’t understand enough about the company to disagree, and even if I have a great idea, I don’t have enough experience for anyone to listen to me. I am so unimportant to this company’s day-to-day work right now that I have literally never stayed a full day on Friday. On average, I’m out the door by 2:30, and half the time I just don’t bother coming back from my lunch break. But you never knew that, did you? You know why? Because I am unimportant to this company and this meeting. The only reason you keep me around is because one day someone has to replace your old ass, and I am just counting down the days until you retire or die and people start listening to what I have to say. And you know what I’m not going to do when I get there? Have Friday meetings, asshole.
Your valued employee
P.S. If you haven’t issued my raise yet, please ignore the above. Can’t wait to see you this afternoon!