Having someone slide into my DMs has been on my bucket list for a while. I figured somewhere out there was a girl with bad enough taste to take a swing at me via the internet, but it’s never happened. However, today I received the next best thing: a love-email. Some girl sent me a full on, high school style love letter, and I have some thoughts on it.
Subject: I have a crush on you
Strong opener. Amidst all the spam from various fake Ray-Ban retailers and “final warnings” from debt collection agencies that clutter up my inbox, this stood out. It stood out strong. I actually got this while on a run and had to pause to read it (also because I’ll take any excuse to stop running, but that’s not the point).
Soooo… I’m a 7 on your power ranking bumble openers. Ya know I’m at work bumbling cause there’s nothing else to do. And match with an older hottie from college that I’d always had a crush on and I have nothing to say to him. So google best bumble pick up lines obviously and find your article, trying so hard not laugh because my boss knows for sure nothing I’m supposed to be doing is funny.
Right off the bat, my first thought is that this email is from a child. The bad grammar, run-on sentences, and general rambling thought process really made me worried that I was going to be put on a watch list just for reading this thing. However, she mentions her boss, so I’m assuming she’s probably just one of the millions of adults who can’t form a proper sentence. It took me a while to decode what she was saying, but the gist of it seems to be that she was reading my column on Ranking My Last Bumble Openers, and that she enjoyed my writing. She also claims to be a number seven on my ranking, which, out of ten, is not very impressive. At least she’s honest.
Meanwhile, realized I fell in love with you after I see I’m 12 of your articles deep.
Damn, girl. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you enjoying my writing, and I respect how much you slack off at work, but dropping the L-bomb on me already? Bold. Very bold. Also, if you read a few more columns, you’re going to realize I have a girlfriend, so our love, sadly, is not meant to be.
And so now I don’t know what to do with myself besides tell you that I think you’re really cool and funny and from the picture on your pgp page probably really hot too.
Not a fan of this run-on sentence, but I do like the compliments it contains. Unfortunately, those compliments are not entirely correct. Am I really cool? Well, I currently work at a bar for way below minimum wage and live in an apartment under the train tracks, so you can make your own assumptions on that. If your idea of cool is someone who has a peeing in public ticket on his record, then yes, I’m cool as fuck. As for funny, well I certainly think I am. Every time I fart while on the couch with my girlfriend, we both find it hilarious. I mean, I can’t hear her over the sound of me laughing, but I’m sure she is too. I do have a problem with being labeled “probably really hot,” however. If you’re going to have the audacity to think my PGP picture of me blacked out on a beach in Florida is really hot, why add the probably? Commit to your bad taste in guys and say I’m “definitely really hot.”
Okay so that’s all… I saw you like feedback and I just thought I’d let you know and now I’m going to have to create an account so I can read your stuff all the time. Have a great day.
Concise, courteous, and well put. I do like feedback, and although this isn’t the feedback I was expecting, I appreciate it. My girlfriend, whom I forwarded the email to, did not appreciate it as much, but I think over time she will too. This girl shoots, and I respect that. I hope this is the first column she reads when she makes her account. I’m looking forward to the comments..