Per Yahoo, Leonardo Dicaprio has made another gigantic move in his attempt to crush life like no one ever before by buying his own private island. Located off the coast of Belize, the ever-generous Grand King of the World doesn’t plan to just have it all to himself, as 68 guest villas reportedly worth $5 to $15 million will be built as well. According to the article, he plans on keeping it completely environmentally friendly and consistently stocked with smoking hot models (I made that last part up).
Is anyone winning life more than DiCaprio? This year he’s been linked to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, and Rihanna, and we’re just getting into April. After visiting this island 10 years ago, he fell in love with it. Unlike the rest of us peasants, who after falling in love with such an island would put up a shitty picture of it in our cubicle, DiCaprio just put it in his cart on Amazon and bided his time. (Are private islands Prime eligible?) Almost every movie the guy makes turns to gold, and he’s almost universally beloved, as you rarely hear a bad word about him. As far as famous guys with dream lives go, in terms of public opinion, he’s like the polar opposite of Justin Bieber. Fuck that guy.
At this point in his career, Leo has reached the point where he can do no wrong. If he makes a rare bad movie, like J. Edgar, he’s instantly forgiven, because you know he’s about to rip off at least three straight winners. The guy can rock a dad body and a disgusting beard, and pull it off because he’s still surrounded by models and carries an air about him that just gives zero fucks, but in a respectful way. He buys an island and instead of feeling insanely jealous in an angry way, like you would if this was Bieber or the catastrophe that is the Kardashian-Jenner-Kanye-Odom-Tyga-Disick clan, you just gotta tip your cap to the guy for being the damn king.
While buying an island seems like it would put quite a dent in his bank account, you have to factor in two things. First, there was a partner in the purchase, likely another rich environmentalist friend who has a love for scenic islands and scantily clad women, just like Leo. Secondly, much like his recent on screen character Jordan Belfort, DiCaprio makes more in five minutes of screen time than your entire family will for at least the next four generations. He banked $25 million for The Wolf of Wall Street, and with three other movies slated for 2015, this island may simply been a luxury purchase for him, much like adding guacamole to your Chipotle is for you.
At this point, there are really only a few things to wonder. What will he name it? As far as the name goes, he could take it a couple different directions. Keep its current name, likely the safe choice, go with something island sounding (St. Something, probably), or go bold and make a terrible play off of one of his movies: “The Real Shutter Island” if he want to freak people out, “Catch Me On My Island,” if he wants to be a cocky dick, or “Critters 3 Island,” because he can.
Finally, where does he go from here? There’s not much more that he can do to tighten his stranglehold on the world, besides, ya know, win an Oscar. At this point, he’s probably just messing with us all and biding his time to win one until it’s as hotly anticipated as possible. You may fool everyone else Leo, but I’m pretty confident that you’re somehow going to win an Oscar for playing yourself. Maybe he will continue buying islands until he owns every Caribbean cruise destination on the planet. My feeling is he will wait until California breaks off completely, and find a loophole to snag it with his team of investors including Matt Damon, Prince, and Jared the Subway guy. Regardless, this news is just confirmation that Leo is better than you, and he knows it. .