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Last Year’s Top 10 Baby Names Are Completely Underwhelming

Last Year's Top 10 Baby Names Are Completely Underwhelming

The United States Government has finally gotten down to answering a question that has no doubt been on everyone’s mind: top ten most popular names for babies. I took a look, and I have to tell you, I was not impressed. I mean, I have no room to talk seeing as my name is John, but Jesus Christ, you guys. I’m not saying you need to go out and name your kid Seven like George Costanza recommends, but this article might as well have been called “Top 10 WASPy Names You Can Give Your Baby.”

Most Popular Girls’ Names of 2015:

Emma
Olivia
Sophia
Ava
Isabella
Mia
Abigail
Emily
Charlotte
Harper

I’m just going to come out and say it – you name your baby girl “Emily” and she’s a shoe in to become a bit character in “Things Girls Do After Graduation.” Emma’s going to go to some liberal arts school in the Midwest or a place like Brown where they don’t give out grades. She’ll be the girl who starts reading Sylvia Plath in high school and skips prom to go to a Shia Labeouf exhibit.

Charlotte and Harper? It doesn’t get much more pretentious than naming your kid Harper. We should bring back some old school girls names. Leta, Mildred, Agatha, maybe Rose. If I ever have a baby girl, I’m going with Rose for very one painfully obvious reason: Titanic. Peak luxury. Sadly, the boys list isn’t much better.

Most Popular Boys’ Names of 2015:

Noah
Liam
Mason
Jacob
William
Ethan
James
Alexander
Michael
Benjamin

This is the drabbest list of names I’ve ever seen. Noah, Mason, Jacob, and fucking Ethan. What a crew that would be. Just a bunch of shitheads with side swoops and a penchant for Vineyard Vines. Ethan is the kid at your school who smells weird and brings goddamn cabbage in his lunchpail.

Michael, Alex, and James. Wow. Super Original. That’s a group of insurance salesman, for sure. Give me something to work with here. I’d love to see a Trip on there. A Xavier would be awesome. Or have a little baby and name it Seven. Could be a boy, could be a girl. You won’t know until you see it pop out.

[via Country Living]

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

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