All I wanted to do this Monday morning was sit down, enjoy my coffee and look at Hannah Davis’s near-naked SI cover one last time before checking in for another week here on the internet. Then, my boy John Oliver and his crew over at “Last Week Tonight” hit me with the hammer before I could even enjoy a little NSFW action before getting my day started.
Dammit. Look, I want to argue that the SI Swimsuit issue is an American institution that deserves the utmost respect from the media and American public alike, but shit. Ogling near naked women is our right as red-blooded American men. However, the SI Swimsuit issue takes it a bit over the edge. It’s practically smut. You can damn near see Hannah Davis’s cooch on this year’s cover. Chrissy Teigen, Nina Agdal and Lily Aldridge went ass-to-ass-to-ass on last year’s cover. Kate Upton was damn near pouring out of her parka in 2013.
I have no problem with the issue itself. It makes for a wonderful magazine-under-the-rest-of-the-magazines-on-top-of-the-toilet-that-make-you-look-smart-and-refined collection. But yeah, after seeing this supercut of dudes like Darren Rovell stumbling over themselves in front of Kate Upton and uncomfortably aggressive clips from SI infomercials from the ’80s and ’90s, I want to apologize, but I won’t. I won’t apologize because I consume my smut responsibly and in the privacy of my own home or on my work computer when things are “slow” unlike these pervs who get caught drooling over gorgeous women they have absolutely no chance with. Let’s knock that off right now.
I suggest everyone does the same and stop being such a creep about this stuff. You’re making us all look bad..