It was moments after I uttered the phrase, “What I miss most about being single,” that I realized that you should never start a sentence with “What I miss most about being single” when talking to your girlfriend. Sitting in the passenger seat, her eyes went from glossing over her discover feed to looking directly at me while I stared at the road trying to figure out what to say next.
“…is dating apps.”
“Their sheer entertainment value alone was just so fun.”
This was a bigger rebound than should Russell Westbrook sky over Durant after a missed Curry three-ball in the Western Conference Finals with the Warriors trailing by two #sports.
But I mean it – over Twitter, Instagram, and any other little 1 MB distraction on my iPhone, dating apps always reigned supreme when it came to the being the most fun distraction I could have at my fingertips. When Coffee Meets Bagel was on Shark Tank? Downloaded it despite knowing it was going to be 99% New Yorkers while I was living a thousand miles away. Bumble? I was an early enough adopter that I came across Lo from Laguna Beach fame. Tinder? I was swiping left on bots before people even knew what it was called. Shit was fun.
Now my phone has a little extra room on it because, well, it’s not a good look to get match noties when you’re sitting in bed on a Sunday night. But apparently the game completely changed after I stepped away, as evidenced by the most popular dating apps for 2017. Honestly, I’m appalled by the findings.
Quantcast looked at over 480,000 searches over a month in January and found the following.
Hold… hold up.
No, that can’t… that can’t be true?
Okay, while I can accept these results, I will not attempt to justify them because these simply cannot be justified. Some reactions.
Why the hell are 3/4 of people still wasting their time with Tinder?
Before that dark day when I held my index finger on a jiggling Tinder app before deleting it, I thought to myself, “You should’ve deleted this stupid app months ago.” It’s pretty much the following: bots, high schoolers, catfish, or a mix of the three. Tinder got so bogged down with scum that I legitimately thought my phone was going to get a virus. Tinder became the dirty strip club with chipped cocktail glasses that was barely standing next to everything else the Vegas strip had to offer.
Wait, OKCupid is the second most popular dating app?
This can’t be by downloads. I refuse to believe that OKCupid is the second-most downloaded app and there was some glitch in the results that showed it to be the second-most searched app. There are only two possibilities for how this occurred: OKCupid has a team of interns sitting in the app store just searching for it endlessly to get their visibility up, or it comes stock on Android devices. OKCupid is like the green text of the dating app world, and if you don’t know what that means, you’re getting swiped left.
Bumble and Hinge are vastly underutilized.
I’m going to assume these were so low on the results because every millennial has already downloaded it on their shattered iPhone and, therefore, does not need to actually search for it in the app store anymore. In my brief but glorious stint with each of these apps, I can wholeheartedly say that they had the best crop to choose from. And that’s not even me saying, “Oh man, this app had the hottest babes!” This is me witnessing all the cool people I hang out with waiting for a girl to message them first.
“Maple Match” is the single most genius idea to come out of 2016.
Branded as “an online dating service that connects Canadians with Americans,” Maple Match is perhaps the single best idea I’ve heard since I came up with Instagram’s albums feature in 2015. With everyone threatening to move to Canada should Trump get elected (newsflash: he did), some horned-up Canadian developers took the opportunity to enhance their chances of meeting the best-looking corn-fed American woman they possibly could. Unfortunately, no one moved to Canada and everyone is still single.
I guess it’s time for them to download TrumpSingles instead. .