I’ve done 95% of my shopping on everyone’s favorite retailer, Amazon. This year I’ve got a three-year-old to shop for, and while I’ve been enjoying browsing and picking out what I want to surprise him with, I can’t lie and say that daddy hasn’t gotten a bit selfish in wanting some of this stuff for himself. They don’t make toys like they used to, and I mean that in a good way, because look at this awesome shit.
Power Wheels Batman Dune Racer
This one may be more specific to me as opposed to any adult, but I’m not a big guy and I’d guarantee I could both fit in and operate this bitch. Uber still isn’t too big in my town, and there’s a bar that’s a short drive but long walk from my house. I just found my preferred method of transportation that isn’t as DUI-worthy as a car, but cheaper than a golf cart. Might have to scoop this bad boy up and roll up to the local watering hole screaming “Duh Na Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh BATMAN!”
You’re probably thinking “This is an old toy and wasn’t even that cool back in the day.” You’re right on both accounts. Watching a rocket that you were likely going to lose soar into the air lost its luster after about two or three firm jumps onto the pad.
But as an adult, I’ve got a whole new perspective: 1. Seeing shit fly into the air is awesome, and 2. This would make the best damn drinking game. Stomp it and finish your drink before it hits the ground. It’d be a holiday favorite. Who doesn’t want to watch grandma try to chug her Southern Comfort eggnog on Christmas morning after opening this bad boy up?
You know that friend growing up everyone has who was always super musically gifted? Yeah, that wasn’t me, but I always wished it was. Flash forward twenty years and your boy has taught himself to play both “Mary Had A Little Lamb” and Owl City’s “Fireflies” on his kid’s toy xylophone and I’m ready for new challenges.
Hoarding this thing in my house and passing it off at as my kid’s would allow me to hone what is surely my late-blooming creative genius while being able to deflect the question of “Why are you learning to play piano in your 20s dude?”
Seems to be daily occurrence that I get asked if I’m saving for retirement and investing. Well, I’ve decided that Christmas is the right time to diversify my portfolio by scooping up these bad boys. Pokemon is like Apple in the early 90’s; better buy now before these gems are worth their weight in gold again.
Jesus Christ. This is a fucking Nerf machine gun sitting on a god damn tripod. Think if little 9-year-old you showed up from the past holding your dinky Nerf pistol that farts out a dart going about 2 mph and suddenly you’re staring at this hellbeast. Frankly, if they ever create a time machine, the first thing I’m doing is bringing this monster back to my aforementioned 9-year-old self mid-Nerf battle and telling him “Go conquer the world son.”
For now, adult me is craving having this bad boy sitting at the corner of my desk ready to annihilate whoever decides to come in my office asking stupid questions. Please notice that this thing was discontinued by the manufacturer, leading me to hope that it was because it was the most violent Nerf gun of all time.
When I was a child, I was that idiot who could only use these to build a square and then leave the rest of the set to rot. Now, however, if you put this set under the tree and gave me 48 hours and a ton of
Adderall coffee I’m pretty sure I could build an entire functioning city in my room.
I don’t know anything about the game, I just know that it’s called Poop and that’s funny enough for me because I’m a child..