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It’s Time To Stop Doing Weird Things To Your Alcohol

It's Time To Stop Doing Weird Things To Your Alcohol

Call me old fashioned, but I think there’s a proper way to consume alcohol. Back in my day, we started out chugging wine from bags and drinking punch from trash cans, but as our tastes developed (read: we threw up so much cheap booze that we had to start buying the more expensive stuff), so did our drinking habits. We stopped having to count our shots on our hands in Sharpie and our tolerances waned in correlation, but at least for me, I started to realize I could actually enjoy drinking.

As it turns out, when you’re not consuming gallons of a substance one step away from rat poison every weekend and instead opting for higher quality drinks a few nights a week, you can actually proudly enjoy your red wine, mimosas, and $14 cocktails crafted by mixologists in peace. You probably remember most of what happens every night now, but since that doesn’t end up with waking up in a room with a sheetless twin bed, an American flag hanging from the ceiling, and dirty underwear on the floor, that’s a trade-off I’m more than willing to accept.

I assumed that most people’s drinking habits mirrored my own – sure, I still get day drunk at sporting events and have been coerced into taking shots, but overall, my casual drinking seemed pretty normal. That is, until I started getting Google Alerts for wine and beer, and I started to wonder what the hell has been going on in society recently.

Within the last week, not only have people been infusing their coffee with wine, but I found out that Columbus, Ohio is opening a “beer hotel” where you can bathe in a hot tub filled with IPA and consume your shower beer more easily than ever thanks to the beer fridge in the bathtub. These aren’t outliers either – we’ve also recently heard about beer yoga, sudsy shower beer, and people putting their wine into their fridge’s water dispensers.

I get the concept of doing it for the ‘gram – do you think I got a Pure Barre body by actually eating all of the donuts I Instagram? – but this is starting to go too far. For the love of all that is good, I beg of you, please stop doing weird things to your alcohol.

Sure, these things may make for good Facebook headlines, but are any of them actually good ideas? Let’s stop and think. Bathing in warm beer not only sounds disgusting but is a horrible, atrocious waste of otherwise consumable alcohol. Infusing wine with beer only sounds like a disgrace to both wine and beer while ruining the individual experience of each, and chugging beer while going from warrior 2 to downward facing dog only makes me feel like I might be using my five minutes of savasana to run to the toilet. We’ve gotten to the point that we’re ruining the experience of alcohol consumption for a grabby social media caption, which is really, truly lamentable.

When it comes to alcohol, it’s time to go back to the basics. We need to stop drinking beer infused with soap suds and coffee infused with port wine and instead start drinking our alcohol for its originally intended purpose – our enjoyment.

I’m tired of always trying to up my alcohol game with the latest and greatest invention to get more and more likes on social media. Instead of experiencing my drinks through the number of likes I get electronically, I want to enjoy it the good, old-fashioned way again with 2-for-1 happy hour specials that give me just enough buzz to take the edge off of a long work week.

Let’s bring back a bottle of wine with dinner and Netflix or a couple of beers at an outdoor barbecue with our real-life friends and stop pretending we’re enjoying the weirdest new fad for a heavily-edited 3×3 virtual image.

I’m making a resolution here and now to stop drinking shitty alcohol with purposes that don’t make sense and go back to ordering the second cheapest glass of red wine with dinner. My Instagram likes might take a hit, but to actually enjoy my afternoon drink with people I actually want to see in real life? That’s the easiest trade-off I’ve made since I swapped out hunch punch for Sam Adams six years ago, and like then, I couldn’t be happier about that decision.

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Steph W.

Steph W. is a current grad student with an intern's salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include attempting to trapping her boyfriend into marriage before he finds out how insane she is and pretending that Black Box wine tastes as good as the kind she could afford when she was gainfully employed. E-mail: recruitchairtsm@gmail.com

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