The opinion that In-n-Out Burger is the reigning champion of American burger joints is not only inaccurate, it’s flat out egregious. I’ve had In-N-Out Burger several times, both in California and also Texas. The first time I had it, I thought it was good. It’s a tasty burger. I enjoyed every last bite, but this notion that it’s the “best burger in America” is so far fetched and absurd that I have to voice my vehement disagreement. It wasn’t until years later after that first In-N-Out experience that I realized I had been swindled. Taste raped. There were better burgers out there. I wanted to rage against the burger machine. This isn’t to say that In-N-Out is garbage, by any means. It’s just an inferior product to another, better chain.
It’s not Five Guys, Chili’s, Culver’s, Fatburger, Shake Shack, Steak ‘n Shake, or some off-the-beaten-path mom and pop burger shack. No. It’s the king of the Southwest. It’s Whataburger, baby. Yes. I can hear the crowd in California revving up their scooters and charging up their Chevy Volts with the fury of a thousand Raiders fans.
I’m sorry. Your product is just inferior. Your beloved California cow is no match for Texas’s beef. The Red and Gold gets beaten down by the Orange and White A-frame. This is the kind of capitalist throwdown between two regional heavyweights Ayn Rand would buy front row seats to. Spoiler alert: Whataburger wins on a TKO in the third round. Once you present the facts of the argument, In-N-Out gets bludgeoned to death by a bottle of Honey Butter sauce.
“This game’s about beef. Sweet, moist beef.” -Gen. Douglas MacArthur, 1945
In-N-Out loves claiming that their beef is as local as can be, which is great. Supporting our local farmers and economies is vital to rebuilding America’s economic infrastructure. However, there’s a reason you always go Double-Double Animal Style at INO. It’s because In-N-Out’s burger is the most boring slab of beef you could possibly imagine. There’s no wonder they have to load that thing up with grilled onions, cheese whiz and “spread’ (code name for “thousand island dressing”) to make it ingestible.
Whataburger’s beef is seasoned to perfection. Much like Tom Selleck’s impeccable chest forest, Whataburger’s meat features layer after layer of flavor. Salty, savory goodness on the outside; tender, moist beef on the inside.
Let’s move onto the next easily destroyable pillar of In-N-Out goodness. The fries. Again, you have to get them “Animal Style” because In-N-Out’s fries are basically flavorless fried paper and are required to be slathered with grilled onions, cheese and spread, like all of their other food. It’s like dry Thanksgiving food, but instead of covering everything with gravy, they just decide to call things “Animal Style” and throw nonsense on their mediocre product.
Whataburger’s fries on the other hand, actually have flavor and do not require slop on top of them to be enjoyable. Plus, spicy ketchup.
The Spice of Life
The knockout blow from Whataburger comes from their variety of menu items. They have breakfast. They have more than one type of burger. They have onion rings. “But BRIAN, ’tis better to be a master of one trade than to be a jack of all.” OH MY GOD SHUT UP.
You ever had a Whataburger Patty Melt? Life changing. That thing soaks up a hangover better than any fast food I’ve ever had. Not in the mood for beef? Try the Chicken Strip sandwich. Doesn’t even have to be covered in Honey BBQ. You can get whatever you want on it, because Whataburger cares about you. They care, you guys. Monterrey Melt, Chophouse Cheddar, A1 Thick & Hearty. You call it.
Also, Whataburger: Open 24 hours a day, rain or shine. In-N-Out: Closes at 1:30 A.M. at most locations.
If you In-N-Out blowhards want to attempt to deconstruct my argument of clear burger superiority in the comments, go ahead. I’ll be watching, waiting..