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It’s Only Girly If You’re Not Manly Enough

bill-hader

You know I’m all about breaking down gender stereotypes. I like girls who drink whiskey and swear, and I enjoy a good rom-com on a regular basis. So, in pursuit of that, I’ve thought of a few more things that have somehow become the domain of females that I think manly dudes should steal. Why do girls get to have all the fun?

1. Gossiping

Why do girls get to be the catty ones who make fun of people behind their backs? I’m a funny guy, I’m good with words–I want to be snarky and mean, too. At least sometimes. People treat gossiping like it’s this bad character flaw, but really, it can be a healthy form of venting when done in correct doses. You can blow the pipes out about your boss, the person your ex is currently seeing, or even other people in your group. That’s right–it’s okay to talk shit about your friends, as long as it doesn’t become a consuming habit. People are annoying, even the people you enjoy spending time with the most. In fact, the annoying ones are especially the people you spend time with the most. I accept that plenty of shit has been talked about me by the people I trust, and I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it, but it certainly doesn’t bother me.

2. Wearing A Scarf

Yes, the scarf over a T-shirt look in mid-June is dumb, but that’s just for efficiency reasons. I never understood how the classic look rocked by many of the manliest dudes in the 20th century somehow became this standard for girliness. Even silk scarves that only have an aesthetic use are awesome. Our society has some weird, arbitrary distinctions for manhood: “Oh, you don’t like your neck to be cold? What are you, some kind of PUSSY?”

3. Jane Austen Novels

Sure, the comings and goings and love lives of lower class women isn’t the most badass premise. You have to remember, though, the fact that these novels were published publicly by a woman at that time was insane. People were losing their damn minds about it. Jane Austen writing books about women as the focal characters in the early-1800s is about as punk rock as you get, so quit being such a baby and enjoy the harrowing journeys of love in the circles of Georgian England.

4. Sharing Your Feelings

Men are supposed to all be Irishmen, apparently. Bottled up, emotionless, never expressive–just repressing our feelings from the day we’re old enough to drink until the day the booze kills us. Well, poo poo, I say. I have enough stress in my life induced by female texting habits, paying student loans, and having my spirit crushed by every episode of “Game of Thrones,” so I don’t needed the added problems of throwing my thoughts, hopes, and dreams down into an emotional volcano deep inside of me. When I’m happy, I share it with my friends. When I’m bummed out, I don’t just brood in the corner and kill everybody’s vibe. I sit on the balcony with someone I trust, open up a bottle of Bulleit, take out a pack of Newports, and talk it through until the problem is thoroughly worked out. Fuck therapy. Get shitfaced and commiserate with your friends.

5. Having Sex With Dudes

It always cracks me up when guys act like the number of girls they sleep with is somehow indicative of their manhood. Oh, congratulations on your trophies, I can’t believe you had the manly power of will to take home that chick trolling around the bar for anyone to take her home. You know what’s manlier than having sex with girls who have low self esteem? Having sex with someone who could kick your ass at any moment. So that basically means a few female MMA fighters and men. I’m pretty sure there’s a line of men around the block wanting to be taken to the woodshed by Ronda Rousey, so statistically it’d just be easier to fuck a guy. It’s like getting into a wrestling match with a grizzly bear, except your dick is hard, and there aren’t any park rangers around to arrest you for that. Two guys getting it on is tricky, because at any one moment, one guy could take a move the wrong way, and boom, fistfight. That’s some manly shit right there. I mean, I’m not personally into it, but that’s probably because I’m just not brave enough.

So if we do the math on this, gossip + scarves + Jane Austen + emotional honesty + sex with men means that my roommate’s sassy, gay manager, Johnny, is the manliest guy I know. Who’d have guessed?

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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