It’s National Pie Day, So Here’s The Definitive Power Ranking Of Pies

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Guess what today is. It’s National Pie Day! All of you math nerds are probably like, “It’s not March 14 yet!” Well, I didn’t say “pi,” you nerds. I said “PIE,” as in the world’s greatest dessert.

Apparently, it was decided by Charlie Papazian (the creator of the Great American Beer Festival, which, therefore, makes him a national hero) in the 1970s that his birthday, January 23, would be National Pie Day. I don’t know who the hell Charlie thinks he is to just declare a holiday like that, but apparently it stuck. The fine folks at the American Pie Council — yes, that’s an actual thing — took over the holiday in 1986 and advocate “that consumers celebrate National Pie Day by taking some time to slow down and share heartfelt gratitude with loved ones over a delicious slice of pie.”

Now, as someone whose family celebrates all major holidays and life events with pie, I feel uniquely qualified to celebrate National Pie Day. How am I going to do that? By definitively ranking the various flavors of pie for you PGPers, of course.

11. Peach

Truthfully, I’m not a fan of peaches, so this pie is lucky to even be on the list. So shut up about being in last place, you whiny fruit, you.

10. Pumpkin

There will be some who disagree with my low-ranking of this Thanksgiving favorite, but that’s just it — it’s a niche pie. Any pie that I can’t enjoy all year ‘round isn’t a pie that’s worth my time.

9. Cherry

Cherry pie had its moment in 1990 with that really cheesy Warrant song, and as far as I’m concerned, it can stay in 1990. Gross.

8. Lemon Meringue

I’m pro-lemon, but anti-meringue, so my vote on this pie is split, hence the low-ish ranking.

7. Blueberry

The key to a good blueberry pie is the use of fresh versus canned blueberries, as my family found out during the great pie disaster of 2009. Fresh = yummy, canned = syrupy sweet. Learn from our mistakes, friends.

6. Banana Cream

Some people make this with Cool Whip and banana pudding. Those people should all be rounded up by the folks at the American Pie Council and forced to eat mincemeat pie until they puke. Real bananas and whipped cream or GTFO.

5. Key Lime

In my humble opinion, key lime pie is the only thing good to ever come out of the state of Florida. Well, that and Pitbull. You know Mr. 305 loves him some key lime pie.

4. Apple

What’s more American than apple pie? Not much. I mean, we didn’t have apples in America until the Europeans brought them over here, but whatever. The freakin’ pie is delicious.

3. Mississippi Mud

It’s literally chocolate layers topped with other chocolate layers. There’s no way this pie could ever be bad. EVER.

2. Butterscotch

I personally believe the butterscotch pie is the undiscovered gem of the pie world. Most of the time when I tell someone my favorite dessert is butterscotch pie, I get a “What’s that?” response. It’s amazing and you’re missing out if you’ve never had it.

Side note: As previously stated, I’m anti-meringue, so my momma usually makes it without that, but some people (read: heathens) like the meringue in it, so you can do it either way.

1. Pecan

I legitimately feel sorry for people with nut allergies that preclude them from eating this amazing mix of buttery crust, nuts, and sugar — and given that I’m generally a heartless bitch, that’s saying something. This perfect combination of flavors makes pecan pie number one on the list.

Go get you a slice and celebrate.

Image via Shutterstock

There really did used to be 2NOTBrokeGirls, but since one of them spent all of her money on shoes and vodka, there's now just one (financially stable) J, who is too lazy to change her user name. J spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to go to graduate school, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @2NOTBrokeGirls on Twitter or 2NOTBrokeGirls@gmail.com.

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