Nothing quite disrupts your pre-spring “get healthy” regimen like a business trip. After three straight months of hyperphagia, packing on slabs of hibernation lard for the long winter, you come to the realization that spring is rapidly approaching and if you want to fit into your dad shorts or bikini (not gender specifying, because I don’t judge #equality) you need to drop a good ten to fifteen pounds. Whether you’re trying to get a flat stomach and #fitspiration legs so you can be oggled at at the apartment complex pool or get just the right amount of gut for Hawaiian shirt season while not thigh-blasting your way out of a pair of shorts, you’ve got goals to reach. At least some level of discipline is paramount. Of course, it’s not until you start gaining momentum on your regimen that you have to spend a week on the road for work, which will nullify all the progress you’ve made and destroy everything you love.
Unless you are ridiculously anal retentive and pack yourself a week’s worth of tuna pouches, you’re going to end up eating out (in a fun way, but not THAT kind of fun way) for almost every meal. At first, it doesn’t sound so bad to break the record for calories consumed on the company card. If it’s a one- or two-day trip, there’s no harm in an expensed Philly cheesesteak stuffed with beef and french fries and smothered in bleu cheese and buffalo sauce. However, if you are trying to be diligent about eating healthy, especially during a full week or more on the road, eating out for every meal sucks. There are very few places at which you can eat nowadays where you can find a legitimately healthy meal, and if you are traveling in some Chipotle-less hellhole, you are pretty much shit out of luck.
It’s generally accepted by this point that effective diets limit or eliminate carbs and overly fatty foods, and they encourage protein and greens. So, when your restaurant options are limited on the road, what’s the generic choice? A salad, of course. Now, if you put steak or chicken or grilled fish or shrimp in a salad with a proper dressing, it can be pretty damn good, but there is a problem. Most restaurants have found ways to make salads unhealthy, almost as some cruel practical joke. They even throw in shit you wouldn’t eat if you didn’t give a damn about your health. Croutons? Where the fuck did croutons come from? Those little satanic cubes of crunchy carbohydrate and grease — what’s the point? Fuck croutons. And while we’re talking about add-ons that completely eliminate the whole point of eating a salad, don’t forget layers of overly processed cheeses and fatty, creamy dressings filled with preservatives and oil-field-grade xanthan gum. Some salads even have tortilla chips, which is basically the salad equivalent of giving up. At that point, you might as well say fuck it and get yourself a double chili burger with cheddar cheese and bleu cheese crumbles topped with bacon, Heinz 57, and, of course, lettuce. Greens make the whole meal okay, am I right?
The only alternative when the salad choices at restaurants are awful and burrito bowls are curiously nowhere to be found (when they are somehow all over the place at home) is the classic meat and vegetable meal. Well, you’d think it would be an acceptable alternative, except for the estrogen-based bovine growth hormone-filled steak or lightly breaded chicken and the giant potato smothered with cheese and sour cream they put in front of you. Oh well, maybe you can get yourself a side salad just to feel like it was an okay decision. Bottom line, good luck trying to find somewhere healthy to eat on the road during a business trip. On the bright side, maybe if you start earning enough money, you can afford liposuction to suck out all the fat you’ve packed on from all the business trips you’ve taken. You know, just say fuck it, pig out, and have Dr. Schwartz fire up the fat vacuum. In the meantime, I’ll be waiting for the iLipo app for my iPhone, paid for by the company, of course..