I can vaguely remember a time in my life when Instagram wasn’t something that my friends and I used on a regular basis. If you really think about it for a second, you can probably remember what life was like pre-Instagram. Your parents hadn’t quite figured out how to use Facebook yet which meant people our age were still using it, and unless your name was Lil’ Wayne and you were approving million dollar deals from your iPhone, you didn’t have a fucking iPhone. They were simply too expensive at the time.
No, no, this was a much simpler era of sharing photos with friends. Every girl carried a digital camera around with them in their purse, and the second that drinking became involved the party or bar that you used a fake ID to get into turned into a runway in Milan.
These cameras were about the size of an iPhone 4, you usually had to have a memory stick which cost an extra hundred bucks or so, and if you were a guy this was the only real way to prove that you were at Stubby’s party last Saturday.
They’d carry these cameras around and post entire albums of themselves doing the duck face, taking selfies in the bathroom, and showing their legs off in jean skirts from Abercrombie & Fitch. Sidenote: I laugh now about those jean skirts from A&F, but when they were popular, nothing made my pants tighter than those fucking things. The digital camera was how girls let other people know that they were hot online before the dawn of Instagram and Snapchat. If you wanted to look at pictures of hot girls, you had to go searching for Spring Break albums on Facebook and hope for a bunch of bikini shots.
Now we have this:
This type of picture is a daily occurrence for me on Instagram. Look at that girl. Her body is insane, and it’s depressing to say but I know I’ll never see someone in person who is that hot. My Instagram feed is pretty much all tits and ass at this point. Sure, I follow some close friends, acquaintances, and girls who I sort of know and want to have sex with, but for the most part, it’s all Instagram models who sell FitTea and teeth whiteners.
It was never my intention for my personal feed to become what it has, but I see less and less pictures of people I actually know on Instagram every day. I get anxiety pulling up Instagram while I’m on line at the grocery store or at the gym for fear of people seeing it and labeling me some sort of sexual deviant. I’ve considered making a burner account which would literally just be comprised of these “models” but I decided long ago that if someone were to label me a sexual deviant, it wouldn’t exactly be the end of the world.
I mean, I think I’m in the majority when it comes to what twenty-something males look at on Instagram but I could be wrong. Maybe everyone my age is just following cool National Geographic photographers and I’m the only one who thinks about what Kylie Jenner likes to do in bed. But probably not.
And I don’t have an axe to grind with Instagram models. I appreciate what they do because I like to look at butts. It’s kind of my thing. What I really have a problem with is the captioning of these photos. Take a look at that picture posted above again and read the caption.
“What’s your favorite book?”
Are you fucking kidding me, “Sommer”? I put Sommer in quotation marks because there’s no fucking way that girls name is Sommer Ray. It’s too slutty. Too perfect for what she is. That is the most Instagram model-y name ever and there’s just no way she came out of the womb and her mom was like, “Yup. Your name is Sommer and you’re either going to be a stripper or a model for a social media application that doesn’t exist yet.”
“What’s your favorite book?”
That has nothing to do with that picture. Sure, there’s a bookcase out of focus in the background but I wasn’t looking at the bookcase and neither were you. These captions are just dumb and I don’t understand why every Instagram model has trouble with them.
Sommer isn’t the only one.
This one is just as bad. The content of the photo? Delicious. Abigail Ratchford (while also definitely being a fake name) is a fantastic follow on Instagram. Just absolutely stacked. But what is with the caption? What does “Like a rolling stone *bomb emoji*” even mean in this context, Abi?
Tag a dare devil? Who am I going to tag in a picture like that? My friend Sam? If I tagged my friend Sam in that photo you know what he’d do? He’d text me and say something along the lines of “Why the fuck did you tag me in that picture you tool?”
I realize that these girls get paid and the more likes and activity they get on a picture probably affects the amount of money they make. I’m sure it’s all metric based and that’s fine but tag a dare devil?
It sounds like I’m complaining but I’m really not. I’m grateful for these Instagram models and the softcore porn that they post day in and day out for me to devour while I’m taking a shit or slacking off at work. But my God. Can we just start making these captions stuff like “Hey, here’s a picture of my ass oiled up.” Or “This bra is two sizes too small for me. Enjoy!”
The captions on these photos make absolutely no sense. It bothers me to a degree that it probably shouldn’t. Why even bother with a caption if it’s going to something that stupid? Why not just post the picture with a blank caption instead of adding some arbitrary phrase underneath a photo of your bare ass like “do you guys like food?”
I know that none of these wildly successful Instagram models are chemical engineers, rocket scientists, or writers for that matter. They make money off of their looks and captions are a silly fucking thing to be complaining about when you’re talking about women showing off their pierced nipples or butts for the masses. All I’m asking is that they put a little more thought into this shit.
Or maybe I should just stop fucking complaining and enjoy the fact that I can look at an endless amount of tits and ass on my cell phone. .