I’ve never been one to partake in organized pub crawls. Something about putting on a costume or a crazy shirt and forcing camaraderie with a bunch of strangers seemed lame. Even in my early-twenties, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, “We get it – you drink” when I saw a group of first year account managers in pirate costumes charging into the uptown bar I was previously enjoying. Was it for a good cause? Probably. Could they have just donated 20 bucks and not desperately try to be the center of attention? Uh, yeah.
But that was in the past. Recently, I’ve actually found myself participating in a similar, albeit completely unorganized and unplanned, bar crawl. One that goes against the very essence of who I think I am as a person.
The Douchebag Bar Crawl™
The DBC is a concept created one sunny Sunday morning in Austin, Texas. After a particularly puzzling night out, a group of us sat together at a standard brunch spot downtown. As we recapped the events of the night before, our self-image and understanding of what we stood for slowly changed. A loss of innocence, of sorts. Story by story, we realized our social lives had taken an unexpected turn. We were douchebags that night.
“We went to Kung Fu? After Dogwood?” I…I had no idea. It was my “Oh God Keyser Söze has been sitting in front of me the entire time hasn’t he?” moment. We had just completed the first ever Douchebag Bar Crawl.
We should have made the connection sooner. Actually, it never should have happened in the first place, but we were naive to the threat. Parlor & Yard. Dogwood. Steampunk. And again, Kung FUCKING Fu. This isn’t us.This certainly isn’t me. It was like some unseen force was guiding our bar decisions throughout the night. It’s not that these bars are inherently bad, but when attended one after the other, a theme will begin to develop for the night. That theme is ‘douche.’
You see, a DBC occurs when you attend three or more consecutive bars that have the reputation of being frequented by douchebags. It’s a night that, upon review, should make you cringe and face your new existential crisis. Think large crowds, expensive drinks, Chainsmokers and bottle service. That about sums it up. You might be asking yourself, what is a douchebag in 2017? Great question, but I’m not here to define it. Everyone has a different interpretation of the word. To some, it’s the worst thing you can be described as. To others, it’s a badge of honor.
Personally, I believe we all have some level of douche inside. It’s all about owning it. Bachelor party in Las Vegas? You’re going full Pitbull, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Fishing trip on the coast? It’s James Taylor and Buffett all day. Time and place, my friend. Some say that secretly, we all need to blow off some steam with a DBC. Hell, I’ve seen even the most loyal dive bar only guys get sucked into the vortex of a DBC. But my job isn’t to tell you what’s right or wrong, or douche or not douche. I’m just here to map out DBCs all across the country, with your help of course. In the coming weeks, you’ll see user submitted The Douchebag Bar Crawls™ published on this site and broken down by our in-house staff. This is a public service you’re not going to get anywhere else, folks. Let’s make it happen..