Our entire office took a field trip to see The Founder, the story of salesman Ray Kroc’s quest to turn a family run burger joint called McDonald’s into a worldwide institution. I enjoyed it. Michael Keaton delivers, as he often does. It’s probably his best work since Jack Frost. What you’re really paying for, however, are the tips from the pros. The Kroc man himself. The Krocodile. Kroc and roll. These are my business takeaways.
Why steal a business idea when you can just steal the business?
One of the first rules of business is work smarter, not harder. Could Ray Kroc have launched his own well-oiled machine of a burger joint back in Illinois and then franchised it? Probably. But why do that when you can slowly strangle the life out of it and then swallow it whole, like a python unhinging its jaw and taking down a wildebeest.
Think about the satisfaction you’d feel after you took some local yokels’ family business, made a few key changes and became successful beyond your wildest dreams. You just got Kroc’ed, nerds.
The golf course is the new Chili’s.
It’s the age-old debate. No one cuts a deal in a conference room anymore. Get out of the office and live a little, noob. Once you get a guy on the course, your chances of putting pen to paper jump exponentially. If some hack is willing to keep hitting the course after years and years of frustration, self-loathing and next to no improvement, then he’s obviously going to give you a shot.
Only hire blue collar families.
If you’re going to commandeer someone’s family business and make it your own, it’s important that you surround yourself with good wholesome franchisees so you can sleep at night. No more nights spent reflecting upon the trail of broken dreams you’ve left in your path of destruction because you hired a nice young couple from Middle America who are living the American Dream. You can probably steal that guy’s wife too, you old dog, you.
Your old friends are trash. Get rid of them.
Your day ones? They’re only bringing you down. You can only be laughed at so many times before you’re forced to cancel the country club membership and excommunicate them from your life completely. So what if they’re your wife’s only friends and you’re on the road 90% of the year. You’ll make better friends after your empire expands and you move into a new place on a mountain of skulls and sit on a throne of blood.
Steal that one guy’s wife.
Business dinners are a dime a dozen. That’s part of life on the road. If you ever find yourself at a meeting and the other guy brings his hot wife, you should do everything you can to make sure she becomes your hot wife. And if you’re already married? That’s even more reason to steal that dumbass’s wife. A married guy who’s looking to steal wives from business associates is to be taken seriously.
“Contracts are like hearts. They’re made to be broken.”
Well said, Ray. What’s the point of memorializing the terms of your agreement if one of you isn’t going to rip it in half and wipe your ass with it? More billables for the litigators, too. Win-win.
Any putt within 8 feet of the hole is good.
Now that you know that all business should be conducted on the course, it’s important that you conduct yourself as a gentleman. No self-respecting golfer wants to putt that seven-footer for par. You’re not playing with Zach Johnson, bro. Tell ’em to pick that ball up so they know you’re not taking things too seriously. It’s just a game, man. Chill out a little bit. They’ll respect you for it.
Consider utilizing a handshake deal when the clause at issue does not benefit your bottom line.
A titan of business once said, “If you wanna make a deal real bad, you’re gonna make a real bad deal. – T. Boone Pickens” – David Ruff
Use this to your advantage. Why agree to something that will just cost you money when you can just shake on it and pretend it never happened? No-brainer.
Scoreboard your opponents.
Being humble never got anyone ahead in life. What’s the point of crossing the goal line if you’re not going to spike the ball and hit the whip? After you’ve finally burned enough bridges and stepped on enough little guys, make sure you let your rival know how bad they suck by building a restaurant directly across the street from their restaurant. You know, the one that inspired everything. They’ll have to stare at it every day, and they’ll eventually go out of business. Ha.
Mortgage The Home
If you’re going to take someone else’s dream and run with it, may as well bet the farm on it. Mortgage that house without telling your wife. Fuck it.
Milk sucks; drink powder.
Milkshakes may bring boys to the yard, but powder and water bring daddy less overhead.
Don’t underestimate the power of song.
When you’ve reached a little impasse with the deal, it’s helpful if you excuse yourself from the table to join your counterpart’s hot wife at the piano for a sexy little duet. This will go over well and won’t make anyone watching uncomfortable at all. Everyone loves spontaneous piano guy, especially that guy’s wife, who will soon be your wife.
Leave your wife if she’s not trying to reach baller status.
If she’s a brick and you’re drowning slowly, drop the D-bomb on her in the middle of dinner. Yes, she stood by you while you were on the road all those years slangin’ milkshake machines, but she doesn’t share your vision. Deuces.
Real estate, baby!
Burger joints are fun, but big dogs think big. That’s cool that you’re selling hella burgers and fries, but do you even landlord, bro? Ever heard of Scientology? You don’t keep Tom Cruise around by not owning acres on acres..
Image via YouTube