I’m a businessman at heart. I came out of the womb slinging deals. My first word was “cash”. I sold chickens as a little kid, pigs as a teen, and other things in college. So when I got my own window office in the real world, you already know I had to keep doing a side business while I was still doing my prime business, because I’m all about that business. Business.
My kitchen operation has thrived over the past year. Once I got my new office I was able to utilize multiple cabinets and drawers for my stash. I improved my inventory to have microwaveable paper plates and bowls, every utensil imaginable including grapefruit spoons, all kinds of napkins, moist towelettes, Chick-Fil-A sauce (still a top 5 sauce all-time, no debate), ketchup of different kinds, sweet and sour, duck sauce, and straws. And that’s just what is on display currently.
Business has been good. Hell, business has been great. Everyone on my floor knows that I’m the go-to guy for any lunch emergency. I guess I was getting too comfortable, because a competitor has risen from the shadows to take my throne. She’s nice, she’s cheery, but she is my mortal enemy. She calls herself the “Kitchen Fairy.”
We all got this email with the subject line “Cheers from the Kitchen Fairy!”. She kicked through the door, established herself as the offices fair-maiden savior and just trampled all over me. The first couple paragraphs were so perfectly written (probably because she’s in proposals), and she seemed to have a much stronger grip on her business than I did at first. It’s like she was licensed Fortune 100 and I was some underground Instagram store. I felt threatened. Just look at this list she originally sent:
Tea and Coffee K-Cups (please note I have a delivery of 96 coffee cups arriving tomorrow)
REAL COFFEE!! – Ground coffee: Dunkin Donuts, McCafe – *note: the Maxwell House coffee bins are still in the same place however, I can’t help but wonder… how old are they REALLY????
Tea bags (variety)
Plastic knives, forks, and spoons
Paper plates, paper bowls
Disposable cups (yay! Please consider using these when practical to cut down on dish washing and please remember to recycle.)
Packages of soup (because we all forget our lunch sometimes!)
Baking soda boxes for the fridge (because, well, ew, sometimes…)
Damn. First off lady, I like Maxwell House just fine. Second off, you forgot sporks. Sporks are a major key. The biggest takeaway from this original email was that I was in fact the villain. She got good cleaning supplies for the kitchen. She bought a Keurig and loaded two baskets full of k-cups. She got a candy jar, a fruit bowl that stays fresh, and even little things if someone forgot their lunch. All of it is conveniently labeled and laid out in the kitchen. People wouldn’t have to knock on my door and inquire about my goods anymore, they would just go to the kitchen and get what they want quietly. I’m the bad guy now.
Or am I?
When I re-read the email, I discovered about ten or fifteen subtle phrases along the lines of “please donate or I’m not doing this anymore.” Homegirl wasn’t in this for the joy of helping others. She’s out here begging for donations like some common serf. There are three different donation jars in random places throughout the kitchen. There are reminders and notes scattered around begging for both monetary and edible donations. She’s not in this to be a good human, she’s in this for the profits.
Have I reaped profits? Sure. I love when people give me free food, cookies, cake, and anything else that they don’t want. Have I ever accepted cash to do what I do? Absolutely not. I didn’t get into this business for money or to make myself look good like someone else I know (YEAH, TALKING TO YOU KITCHEN FAIRY). I only began to help out my coworkers, and I will not let them be bullied by some dictator funded by big donors while ripping countless tax dollars from the hands of the poor. I will not back down. I may be the office El Chapo, but I may be changing my name to Pablo Escobar because I am going to fight the big wigs until the people are free from tyranny.
Stay strong my brothers and sisters, we will not back down from this Kitchen Monster.
Yeah, I went there, Fairy.
To be continued… .