Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge dog filter guy. Always have been, always will be. I can remember the first time I saw a girl use the dog filter. McKayla Maroney, a really hot Olympic gold medalist posted a video of her using the dog filter and licking the screen. I almost had to excuse myself from work for the rest of the day because I was so hot and bothered. There’s something about that nose, ears, and tongue combination that just really gets my jollies off when a girl decides to use it.
Kylie Jenner is a noted dog face filter enthusiast, and I usually start sweating when I look at her Snap Story because it’s so absurdly sexual. I won’t apologize for liking what I like. You’ll never see me judge someone’s sexual preferences. And while I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the dog filter and Snapchat as a whole, it’s time to move onwards and upwards.
I’m, of course, talking about Instagram stories, and as an extension, going live on Instagram. Instagram stories? They’re reserved for a more creative, mature type of person. And people like Bella Hadid. You’ll find a lot of artsy shots of cool architecture and exquisite food on an Instagram story. Snapchat is now for peons (read: me) in my mind.
I’ll tell you what you don’t see too much of on an Instagram story: thotting. Kylie Jenner wouldn’t be caught dead using the dog filter on an Instagram story because she knows better. Old people and models: that’s who the Instagram story is for. If Snapchat and Instagram stories were people, Snapchat would be the hard-partying twenty-something. Instagram stories would be the thirty-year-old with a fiancee, a shared bank account, and a nice starter home.
I don’t have any business posting an Instagram story. Maybe sometime down the road after I settle down and stop drinking so much I’ll feel ready to use the story function. I don’t do enough cool shit to warrant a story on Instagram right now. I’ll continue to document my good times with friends on Snapchat because that’s all I really fucking deserve.
But going Live on Instagram? It’s fucking exhilarating, and I may just start doing it all the time. I did it last night at the bar for the first time ever and had a goddamn blast. I was live for less than five minutes, and I imagine the feeling that I felt was similar to the one that heroin addicts feel after they shoot up. Instagram Live is Periscope but better, because you know, it’s not Periscope. I dabbed on strangers. People who follow me ate that shit up. They gave me words of encouragement like “your haircut is fucking terrible,” “I want to punch you in the face,” and “please stop.”
My most mundane activities will now be on Instagram live. Driving to the store for groceries? You better believe I’m going Live while I listen to James Taylor and smoke a cigarette. Eating lunch at my desk? Instagram Live, baby. Reading a book in bed while “Jazz For Sleep” on Spotify plays? Yup, you guessed it. INSTAGRAM LIVE.
It’s a movement, and anyone who wants to hop on the LIVE bandwagon with me is more than welcome. I’m drinking a glass of 2% milk right now and I’m thinking about going Live just because I can. Start going Live when you’re brushing your teeth. Go Live while you’re making out with that floozy you just met at the bar. IG Live is the new wave. Live is life. .