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I’m Not Going To Ask You About Your Tattoo

I'm Not Going To Ask You About Your Tattoo

Anybody have tattoos? Have no fear, I’m not going to mock or degrade your decisions. I think tattoos are actually pretty cool. I wish I could rock one, but I don’t think I’m tough enough.

I’m pretty much the opposite of tough. When I lived in Chicago I was mugged twice in one winter. I would say I don’t know what it is about me, but I totally know what it is about me. Homeless people would see me walking by and probably thought, “Hey, is that Peyton Manning on a hunger strike? Let’s get him. I want me some of that Papa John’s money.”

If you do have a tattoo, I’m not going to ask you about it. I learned this the hard way after going on a few dates with a girl who had a lot of tattoos.

On our first date, the first tattoo I noticed was of a goldfish on her foot, swimming in some seaweed. So I asked her, “Oh that’s cool, what’s that supposed to represent?” So she told me, “Oh nothing, I just love goldfish.” That’s weird, I love The Departed. It’s actually my favorite movie. I don’t love it so much though that I’m going to have Leo, Jack and Matt’s faces staring up at me while I shower. Actually, on second thought…

A couple dates later, things with this girl had progressed and we were in the bedroom. Our clothes were coming off for the first time and the second tattoo I noticed was of flames shooting down her right side from her armpit to her hip.

So I asked her, “Oh, what does that represent? Were you struck by lightning?”
Her response? “No, I just thought it looked cool.”

There was nothing cool about this tattoo at all. The least cool thing being whoever put it on her put it on crooked, so it slanted towards her bellybutton. So when she was topless, it looked like she had one normal sized boob on the left and one smaller half boob because the ink overlapped onto her right tit. So if you stared at them straight on it looked like they were winking at you. Like they were saying, “Hey, keep up the good work, you’re almost there!”

The biggest mistake I made was asking about the tattoo on her left shoulder. This tattoo is hard to describe, but I’ll do my best. It was of a child’s drawing of two stick figures: one tall girl with long hair holding the hands of a small boy in front of a house. Your typical stick figure house: square windows, triangle roof and chimney with smoke coming out. By the way, did everybody else grow up with a fireplace and a chimney as a child? Why does every child draw houses with a roaring smokestack like they lived in a chemical plant? Were fireplaces on all day 24/7 in other parts of the country? Did I miss that somehow? We had a radiator.

Anyways, I see this tattoo and I get very serious, and after a pause I ask her quietly, “That’s so sweet, who drew that picture?” and she tells me, “My little brother.” So I then ask her the only possible question in response which is, “How did he die?”

….
…..

NOPE. She just likes the picture her brother drew of her!!!

Wait.

WAIT.

You’re telling me your little brother drew you a picture that you liked so much that you had it permanently inked onto your body? I have three little brothers, and their pictures never made it past the fridge. That little boy in that tattoo, he’s not terminally ill? He’s now a grown man, walking around in the world? Theoretically I could shake his hand? Does he know that his psychotic older sister has a picture he guaranteed doesn’t even remember drawing on her body? Did you escape from a mental hospital?

I guess the only reasonable thing to do in this situation is to date you for six months, introduce you to my parents and one day come to my senses and leave you crying at Best Buy.

So in conclusion, you could be tattooed from head to toe with each image representing all the wisdom your lifetime has ever bestowed onto you. But yeah, I’m not going to ask you about your tattoos.

***

I have an exciting announcement to share! Today marks the launch of the inaugural episode of Don’t Take It From Us, a podcast hosted by Jenna Crowley and I that will focus on dating, sex and relationships. Each week, we’ll tackle major relationships news in the headlines as well as share personal anecdotes and answer reader submitted questions. We’ll even be joined by some of your favorite PGP writers and personalities! Our tagline is “Relationship Advice from the World’s Worst Authorities” – we don’t claim to be experts in any way shape or form and we want this pod to be just as much fun for you as it is for us. New episodes will be dropping every Wednesday AM. Please give the first episode a listen below and let us know what you think! I love you…

Or check us out on iTunes.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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