I’m Done With Socks For The Rest Of The Week

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I'm Done With Socks For The Rest Of The Week

Socks are the underwear of the feet. They are tight fitting, go on under the more imperative apparel, and serve to protect your clothes by soaking up any fluids that may mistakenly emanate. If you’re a jackass like me, you wear silly prints on these items.

But from time to time, you just have to say fuck it. Today is that day for me.

Perhaps it’s the fact that every day is beautiful and 100 degrees, which means it’s constantly margarita weather. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing good on TV so I spend the majority of my afternoons at the pool or grilling fajitas. Regardless of the reason, there is one truth to the next six days until Monday: I’m giving up on socks this week.

My toes will be free of any fabric confines. They will be free as the day they came into this world, just the way God intended. I’ll wiggle them around during meetings to entertain myself while I say things like, “so what’s the endgame here?” and “how is this going to move the needle?”

It’s going to be a complete game changer. I’m going to save time in the morning by not having to pick out what fancy socks I will wear, and even more time by not bending down to put them on. I’ll have an extra pep in my step and a whole new pride in my stride when I walk through the doors of the office and feel the cool AC caress my shins. All the Amish people that only live in my imagination will be SCANDALIZED.

I’ll head to happy hours after work, and my friends will all wonder what sort of maniac would attempt this? Is he a modern day Prometheus or Icarus? Should I be worried about the presence of socks on my feet? How does he make it through the day without having a nervous breakdown due to the lack of a security blanket for his feet?

But artificial comfort is a crutch, people. One that you don’t need. Actual comfort is the real motherfucker that makes life worth living. You know that feeling you have when you get home and peel off the day’s socks and your toes get to breathe for the first time? Imagine not having waterboarded them in the first place.

But I’m not special. I’m just a dreamer with the will to succeed. If you want to wear your socks, that’s fine with me. The world needs sheep to distinguish why lions are special.

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