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If These Telltale Signs Prove Anything, It’s That I’m Definitely A ‘Basic Bro’

If These Telltale Signs Prove Anything, It's That I'm Definitely A 'Basic Bro'

Cinematically speaking, everyone in Clueless had their stereotype. Cher is your typical Beverly Hills girl, Dionne is the popular and rich one, Tai is the odd duck, Tracis is your skater, Josh is the nerd, and Murray is the alpha male with a soft inside – you know what I mean? Okay, I get it, not everyone watches Clueless all that often but just go with it. Everyone has a stereotype, and as evidenced by Thought Catalog’s Kendra Syrdal (hey, remember her?) column 12 Telltale Signs You’re Dating A Total Basic Bro, mine is apparently the “basic bro.”

There’s only one way to really know, and that’s by taking a look at this piece by piece.

1. He’s constantly abbreviating words in everyday conversation.
Trajectory becomes “traject”, Starbucks becomes “Starbs” or “Bucks.” Major is “maj” and even abbreviate is too long and has since been shortened to “abbrev.” Instead of asking you to make him some coffee he’ll say things like, “Babe can you fire up the ‘rig?” (Translation: Turn on the Keurig please, Lucy. Because Davis is too busy deciding if he wants to wear his LL Bean Vest or his Patagonia Vest to work today.)

First of all, don’t bring vests into this. Just because I’m too vest to be stressed doesn’t mean I’m less of a person. Furthermore, when time is money and you’re running out of time, all syllables aren’t created equally and that’s not really negotiable. In a world of o-m-g‘s and t-b-h‘s, yeah, I think it’s passable for me to knock the end off a few words to get my point across. Last time I checked, it’s totes fawkward if you’re just sitting there on your high horse talking like you’re Willie Shakespeare.

2. He’s deleted an Instagram because the filter setting wasn’t on point with his aesthetic.
He’s a classic double filter fiend (VSCO and Afterlight, duuuuuhhhhh) and if he looks at it on his page as a whole and it throws off the balance? Outta there. Can’t be posting yet ANOTHER scenic shot of your vacation that was over two weeks ago. Please.

My process: take the photo in iPhone’s camera app, import into VSCO, pound that settings button and search for the F2 filter like I’m searching for Seger on the juke, knock it down a few notches so it’s not super aggressive, then knock that sharpness up a tad before watching the likes pile up. No one said having a bomb aesthetic would be easy, and if you don’t have a multi-step process to ensure your feed looks fresh, you’re only hurting yourself.

3. He’s ducked away from your touch because he didn’t want you to fuck up his hair.
You’ve also heard him nickname his hair. Lettuce, the wave, the goods. Even though he was born with it, it’s basically his prized possession. So keep your paws off of it, Kelsey. He spent a good 25 minutes perfecting that coif before you went to spend $16 on craft cocktails out in public and now is NOT the time.

My hair is the house that Theresa built. She didn’t spend a half hour cutting and washing my hair for you to run up on me at a bar and mess it up for your own personal enjoyment. You think I want to buy that $28 pomade? You think I want to wait twenty minutes after my shower to apply product? You think I enjoy only washing it every three days? There are #nodaysoff when it comes to your lettuce.

4. He has a brunch squad.
He calls them his “boys” and makes it sound like they play basketball and shit but really, all they end up doing on Saturdays/Sundays is getting loaded on $15 bottomless mimosas (aka: “mimos”) and high-five Dillon for having 6 minute sex the night before while Todd complains about how much Lauren’s been spending at Pottery Barn on stuff for the “holidays.” (Aka: “hollys”)

Okay, sue me. Do I enjoy keeping a kill count of my mimos with my boys who are actually called Dillon and Todd? Yeah, I do. But if going on a brunch crawl is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Besides, how are we supposed to kick that Fireball hangover we’re rocking from the night before? Shampoo in a little champs and we’ve got ourselves a day. Factor in football? Hell, we got ourselves a weekend.

5. Every activity is described as getting something “on.”
“Gonna go get my gym on.”
“Gotta get my ‘gram on.”
“Let’s get this dinz (aka: dinner) on.”

Why you have to come at my throat when I’m trying to get my chill on? While this can also be related to “copping” something (ie. cop a ‘gram, cop a brewdog), you don’t have to knock the hustle. “I am going to post this Instagram photo,” just doesn’t have a ring to it like, “Finna get my ‘gram on,” does it?

6. He owns one of the J Crew Gingham Button Downs.
You know which one I’m talking about.

Fuck. Okay, fine, you’re right. I do know which one you’re talking about.

7. He doesn’t bitch that much about going to spin and things with you because he’ll get to make Twitter jokes about it.
He maintains that it’s really great for his brand.

Okay, now you’re just trolling me.

8. He worries about his brand.
It doesn’t matter that Chase went to school for mass comm and now works in a cubicle in some sort of marketing position, he’s still pretty sure that Playboy (or at the very least, BroBible) will pick up one of his tweets and he’ll become MEGA famous.

As someone who freelanced for BroBible for the entirety of one calendar month and has recently had an election tweet used in a Thought Catalog column, I’m pretttttty sure I don’t have to worry about my brand considering it’s rock-fucking-solid.

9. You’ve heard him refer to himself, even ironically, as “daddy.”
And he still doesn’t understand why that’s creepy.

But when Daddy likes something, how is Daddy supposed to express that he likes it without saying, “Daddy like”?

10. He sincerely thinks that Miles Teller would be his best friend.
Miles Teller is to the basic bro, what Jennifer Lawrence (or Taylor Swift, it depends on the girl) is to the basic chick.

But dude, he’d totally be best friends with me. Take, for example, That Awkward Moment which is like such an underrated movie. He’s the chill-ass bro who totally doesn’t want everyone to know he’s locked down even though he’s totally locked down. But he’s also the comedic relief that the movie needed and I feel like he and I would totes mesh if we got our drink on togeths.

11. You are 99.9% sure some of the books/art/décor in his place he only bought to make himself look more original.
He doesn’t read Vonnegut — his favorite book is checking his fantasy league. He doesn’t listen to vintage vinyl — you caught him jamming to “Sorry” in the car after you ran inside to get smoothies last Tuesday. He doesn’t watch foreign films — his favorite movie is That Awkward Moment (shoutout to Miles). Catching on?

Fuck. I probably shouldn’t have gone on a That Awkward Moment rant. But still, how are girls supposed to know I’m cultured if I don’t have a bunch of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Hemingway books underneath my widescreen? Nothing screams, “I’m educated as hell” like a bunch of books in a pile that clearly have never been cracked past the first chapter.

12. He constantly talks about how drunk he got last weekend, but truth is even two glasses of rosé with your parents will knock him out.
But even then, he’s still going to whine about his bitchin’ hangover. (Aka: his hungsies)

But, like, what if I’m super hungover and get the Sunday Scaries?

Dammit. I’m so fucking basic.

[via Thought Catalog]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Writer, Editor, and Content Manager at Post Grad Problems. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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