If My OkCupid Profile Were Being Honest

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If My OkCupid Profile Were Being Honest

There are two types of people in this world: people who have tried online dating, and people who have lied about trying online dating. In this technological day and age, it’s scary how people don’t meet the “good ol’ fashioned way” anymore. I can barely make it through a brunch without tweeting something ridiculous someone says or Instagram-ing my frittata and bloody. It’s just the weird, digital world we live in.

The thing about online dating is it makes it way too easy to present yourself as some alternative, more put-together, filtered version of yourself. You’d never post an actual #wokeuplikethis selfie because your actual #wokeuplikethis self is rocking a squished sock bun and residual spot treatment in a sports bra you’ve had since 9th grade. I know way too many people who are “just on Tinder to talk to people” because face to face meet-ups don’t have the protection of VSCO filters and the ability to Google your movie jokes prior to saying them to make sure they’re correct.

I’m just as guilty as all of you. My dating profiles are set to make people think I’m adorable and witty as all hell. While they are a “version” of me, it’s definitely not going to be the version that poor bastard is going to have to deal with eight weeks down the road when I’m sick of how he never offers to walk the dog.

So for the sake of honesty, I’m going to do just that. I’ve gone through the OKC profile and broken it down with what it should really say. If anyone wants to take a swing after reading what you’ll be getting yourself into, you can find me on a SUP crushing Coronas and fish tacos all weekend after I binge-watch Orange Is The New Black.

I’m Looking For

I’m not too picky. We’re probably going to get along if you have a credit score above 600 and aren’t obsessed with your cat. That’s what happens when you’re 25, single, and your grandmother won’t stop bugging you about when she’ll have surrogate grandchildren.

My Details

Orientation: Straight, but I wouldn’t kick Natalie Dormer out of bed.

Ethnicity: So pale it hurts. No really, I’m sunburned and it hurts. I carry SPF 100 in my purse.

Height: Really short. Like, scary short. Don’t do the “lean your elbow on my head like I’m a counter” bullshit because I’ll kick you in your shins.

Body type: Hasn’t Elite Daily made us all aware by now that all bodies are beautiful? Come on.

Diet: I exist off of English muffins and white cheddar popcorn because I store clothes in my oven.

Smokes: When I’m in the middle of a blackout.

Drinks: More often than I should.

Drugs: I can’t take too much Tylenol without getting sick, if that’s any indication of my drug stance.

Religion: I believe in the power of Gatorade to cure your hangovers and not much else.

Sign: There’s a sign on my front door that says “It Is What It Is” and I think that pretty much sums it up.

Education: I have two degrees that I will never use and it makes my dad really mad at me sometimes.

Job: I write about things on the Internet, and that may someday include you! Freaked out yet?

Income: None of your beeswax.

Status: Single, used to hogging the bed, and not really excited about having to share things.

Offspring: I have a dog-child.

Pets: See above.

Speaks: My mind about pretty much anything.

My Self Summary

I’m loud, I fall asleep with candles burning so we may go up in flames one day, and I’ll always love my dog more than you. I also still dress like a teenager, get carded everywhere, and will probably argue with you about politics even if it’s just for the sake of arguing. I end all fights by doing the really charming “No, you’re totally right and I’m wrong. YEP” bit and your mom is going to tell you that while I’m funny and seem like a good time, you need someone a bit more stable.

What I’m Doing With My Life

The asshole hogging the outlets in the coffee shop who is shaking because she’s downed four Americanos in the last two hours? That would be moi. And yes, I do mind if you need to charge your phone. What do you think my iPhone is doing with that outlet? Just hanging out?

I’m Really Good At

Quoting movies, pointing out your flaws, speed reading, and being annoyed when people don’t put my dishes away in the right spot.

The First Thing People Notice About Me Is

Who honestly has an answer for this question? Did you ever go up to your ex and be like, “Hey, when you were on your fifth vodka tonic and you spotted me from across that dive bar, what made drunk-you go for it?” And were you HAPPY about the answer? Every person always gives some generic “You have a pretty smile” or “I liked your curly hair” answer. This is the part of the profile where I’m just essentially pointing out the things I like about myself so that when you’re clicking through the pictures you’ll tell me I’m hot. I’m looking for validation about my appearance from strangers on the Internet — just like you.

Favorite Books, Movies, TV Shows, Food

Books: I’m not going to say Fight Club, anything by Klosterman, or leftover titles I remember from AP English, so we’re not going to have that in common.

Movies: Is the part where I’m supposed to put in an Anchorman quote so that you’ll think I can be “one of the guys”?

TV Shows: I binge-watch Netflix. Just like everyone else who has wi-fi and student loans.

Food: Anything that’s free.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without

Sad thing? The only things I really couldn’t do without are my dog and my phone. And the only thing that’s sad about that is admitting that of those two things, my phone comes first.

I Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About

Why I’m single. If I want to still be single. If I like being single. And then I get frustrated with myself and binge-eat Trader Joe’s s’mores cookies and cry to Adele songs in the dark. Actually, it’s not Adele anymore because she’s been busy being a mom since “Skyfall.” Now it’s Ella Henderson. Sorry, what was the question?

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit

I made a boy I was sleeping with pee into an empty Gatorade bottle once so my roommates wouldn’t know he was over. I didn’t say I was sorry.

Actually this is what my profile says and it is 100% true.

You Should Message Me If

You want to get ignored.

Image via Shutterstock

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