Now that wedding season is in full swing, we can naturally expect that the most dreaded of seasons is soon to follow – baby season. God forbid anyone enjoy being a married couple for a while. Instead, I find that my friends are taking “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage!” as a way too-literal timeline. As my mailbox is flooded with cutesy “we’re expecting!” announcements and baby shower invites, I’m over here contemplating which Lean Cuisine to nuke for my single-serve dinner.
But that doesn’t mean my maternal clock doesn’t rear its ugly head from time to time. Sure, I want someone to love and take care of that will love me unconditionally back. But when that urge hits for me, I don’t head to the sperm bank. I log onto Petfinder… because there are lots of reasons why getting a dog is way better than having a baby.
There Are No Ugly Dogs.
I’m sorry to break it to you people, but not all babies are cute. There have been people I had to block on social media because they insist on posting a zillion pictures of their precious wee one who looks more like a Gremlin and less like a Gerber baby, and I just can’t have that scary thing surprising me every time I open Facebook. But even the ugliest dog in the world still has a certain cuteness to it.
Two Words: No Diapers.
Listen, I have enough troubles coping with my own shit in the bathroom to deal with someone else’s. Of course, girls don’t poop, but you know what I mean. Dogs are at least civilized enough to do their business outside instead of in their pants like babies do. Obviously, I still have to pick up Fido’s crap outside – because I’m not that big of an asshole – but at least I don’t have to wipe his ass (usually).
Dogs Always Love You.
The average life span of a dog, across all breeds, is 13 years old. You know what happens to a kid when they turn 13? They become an asshole. An “I don’t want to talk to you/hug you/cuddle with you/acknowledge your existence” asshole. But a dog will consistently love you its whole life. It will always snuggle with you, meet you excitedly at the door, and give you a kiss. Now mind you, you may have to bribe the dog with a treat for any of those things, but that’s cheaper bribing a kid with an Xbox, right?
Dogs Are Less Expensive.
Speaking of expenses, dogs totally have it over babies here. Yes, vet bills can be extreme and babies’ medical costs are usually covered by insurance. But going to the doctor is the only area in which a dog is more expensive than a baby. Do you know how much crap babies need? Car seats, play pens, cribs, bottles, bibs, college tuition…that shit adds up. All a dog needs is a few bowls, a bag of food, a leash, a collar and a tag. Unless you’re a girl, and then of course Fido will need a full wardrobe for every season. But that’s on you.
Dogs Realize That Naps Are The Best.Thing.Ever.
One weekend, because I am a
nice person sucker, I agreed to watch both my cousin’s baby (who is also my godson) and his dog so he and his wife could get away. Any person that’s ever spent 10 minutes with a baby knows which one of those two was easier to take care of that weekend. And you know why? Because dogs, unlike babies, are smart enough to realize that sleep is the most awesome thing ever. While the dog drifted off at every available opportunity, that damn kid fought sleep every single time I tried to put him down. No matter how many times that I told him that in about 20 years, he would relish the opportunity to take two naps a day and go to bed at 8 p.m., he just wouldn’t buy it. Meanwhile, the dog only woke up to eat and pee. Now, who’s the smarter one? .