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I Will Not Romp You In A Dude Romper

I Will Not Romp You In A Dude Romper

Touching Base breaks down everything about male rompers. Subscribe and listen on iTunes here or listen below. Romper talk starts at 8:30.

As an early-twenties female in modern America, I can tell you that I’m used to a lot of odd things. For example: paying over $6 for a single coffee. Buying $60 airbrush Dior foundation. Bumble dates that turn out to be pyramid schemes. All of the usual scams. But I’ll tell you what I never expected to encounter: rompers for dudes.

I’ve been both singing the praises and preaching the sinful shortcomings of rompers since 2012. The sundress-turned-shorts attire that has taken the postgrad female population by storm has been gaining popularity for years. I have had few, if any, naughty words to say about said garb until now. Rompers have always been a fun and flirty piece of attire; lightweight and available in fun summer colors. Usually flattering and within our budgets.

Until now, I’ve been hesitant to speak an ill word about the fashion, other than the fact that you have to get completely naked to pee. But now…now? It’s a whole different ball game.

You go to sleep one evening and everything is normal and fine. Trump is still talking shit on Twitter and high school students are still pretending that prom is the Met Gala. Spongebob mimicking Squidward is the latest meme and WorldStar videos are as casual as ever. The next morning, you wake up, and suddenly male rompers are a “thing.” I’ll tell you what. No boyfriend or significant other of mine is ever going to be caught dead in a dude romper. Actually, they may be caught dead. And they would be dead…because I killed them for wearing that.

Guys, I want to be honest with you. So honest with you that you completely forget about the idea of dude rompers. First off: they’re going to get caught in your balls.

Coming from a lady: those rompers go straight up ass cracks. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but for some reason, the male population loves to see a thin layer of cottony fabric lightly caressing a female behind. By lightly caressing I mean completely folded up in the ass-crevice. We can’t even help it. That’s just the way it is. From this experience, I can only assume that men will get the worst. It won’t just go up your buttcracks. That uncomfortable fold will inevitably wind up as a crease in the ol’ scrotum.

Next, I’m not quite sure how you expect to take a piss. Women don’t have to deal with urinals. We don’t understand or desire the opportunity to show our genitals in front of one another. We don’t compare vaginas in locker rooms or gossip about another’s downstairs-situation. All we need are some sequestered stalls and 4-ply toilet paper. Unfortunately for you, gents, you do not have the same luxuries.

You see, when women wear rompers, we have to peel the entire thing off to use the restroom. I’m talking boobs out (stick-on boobs included), and then taking the romper to the floor to simply pee. At any given location. This means bars. This means port-a-pottys. They’re miserable. You may think you’re better off with a wiener, but methinks not.

Unless the designer of male rompers includes a serious and usable zipper…you guys are going to be shit out of luck. Also piss out of luck, if you catch my drift. From what I’ve heard, the men who drop their pants to their ankles at the urinals are either complete losers or completely socially inept. When that dude romper requires you get down to your birthday suit at The Rhinestone Cowboy to take a drunk piss, will you maintain your confidence or accidentally fall on your bare ass in the bathroom?

Don’t do this to yourselves, guys. Don’t cinch yourself up into a coral-colored onesie originally made for a 165-pound model. Girls don’t like it…and I can almost guarantee you that your balls won’t like it, either.

Image via YouTube

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Taylor

Texas native and Alabama grad with a Drake problem. Going to law school, but don't tell my future employers you saw me here.

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