It was about 9:30am Tuesday morning. I was sitting at my desk, getting my morning grind going as the caffeine from my coffee hit my sphincter like a left hook from Rocky Balboa. This means two things:
1) I had to take a shit.
2) It was time to Tinder.
I went to my normal dumping grounds — star level of AT&T Stadium on the North side off the building, just a stone’s throw away from Jerry Jones’ suite. I dropped trou and immediately opened the app. I swiped like I normally do, until I come across Hannah. Hannah was an 18-year-old brunette who was a cute as a button and looked to be all of 5’2, which we in the biz like to call “fun-sized.” I gave Hannah’s profile the Mr. Miyagi once over, and I swiped right. Tinder immediately let me know that Hannah and I were a match. This brought me great joy.
As I finished my business, I went back downstairs to the office and continued working. I found a free moment of distraction an hour later and checked my Tinder, hoping for more matches. What I found instead was a message from Hannah. “Hey! Saw you’re new to town? What brings you to Texas?” A girl responding first is somewhat uncommon, so the fact that she took the initiative made my Tinder senses (balls) tingle.
“Hey gorgeous what’s going on?” I responded. I then followed that up with my usual spiel of “I just moved here, I’m from VA, just graduated from USC blah blah blah.” We had some similarities, some differences, but hanging out in real life made sense after exchanging messages all day. I gave her my number and we started to make plans.
We started discussing our schedules, the distance between where we lived, and logistics. Hannah mentioned that she didn’t have her car with her at school for the moment due to family issues, so that if I wanted to hangout I would have to come to her.
“No problem. I’ll drive to you. What’s your apartment address?”
“Ohh I don’t live in an apartment. I live in a dorm. Here’s the address _________.”
*radio silence while shock and awe overwhelmed me*
I hadn’t entered a dorm, let alone slept in one since my sophomore year of college, and even then that was a regrettable night. However, I hadn’t been laid in awhile, and who was I to neglect this once in a lifetime opportunity to relive some of the most awkward moments of my college experience in one jam-packed, adventure-filled night? We set our time for Thursday night and I drove my happy ass all the way to Texas Christian University for an evening I won’t soon forget.
After driving for 30 minutes, I finally got to the dorm parking lot. I parked, called Hannah and met her and her friend at the front of her building. Her friend ended up being her sorority big sister. I’d seen this scenario play out dozens of times: the friend comes along to make sure the guy she’s meeting from Tinder isn’t a weirdo or a serial killer.
Surprise! I’m not a serial killer. Just a horny postgrad bastard willing to drive 30 minutes to a random college campus at which I know not a soul.
I shook her friend’s hand and said quietly under my breathe, “These fingers will be inside your friend later.” She said, “What?” I said “What?” and then we proceeded to walk to Hannah’s building.
Once I gave the friend enough info in the form of mind-numbing conversation that she’d lay down her guard, she hugged Hannah, told her to have fun and to text her later. So off Hannah and I went to her hall.
Third floor up, not too bad of a walk up the stairs, and I quickly spotted the community men’s bathroom that I would be peeing into later. Yogi Berra once said, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Unfortunately, at the fork in the hallway on the way to Hannah’s room was one last line of defense. It was 5-6 freshmen who lived in the hall, a mixture of guys and girls, and all stereotypes were well represented.
The wannabe Mothers Against Drunk Driving circle consisted of the nice guy who clearly liked Hannah, the pre-med girl still doing homework late at night, the sexually confused art major guy, the hall slut, and even the RM. I was lucky enough to sit amongst and converse with this collection of misfit toys. Fortunately, Hannah had already shared my alias with me: “friend from home who goes to North Texas and is back home for the weekend and visiting.” Otherwise, I would’ve had to explain my career goals and future plans with everyone in the circle. “FML,” I thought. “When do I get to touch this girl’s butt?”
After 10 minutes or so, I told Hannah in front of the whole group: “I’m tired, let’s head to bed.” At this point, the last line of defense all looked down as they realized what was about to happen. I smiled with great pride as I walked with Hannah to her room.
She showed me pictures of family and friends from high school, and I asked 2-3 general questions about her before throwing her onto the bed where we immediately started going at it. Shirts came off almost immediately, and we quickly got under the covers. Not five minutes had passed when a voice from the other bed piped up and surprised me. All of a sudden, this 6-foot blonde Russian girl sat up from under her covers.
“Hey Hannah, do you think you can be quieter over there? I have practice early in the morning.”
My jaw hit the floor. Not only was I in a dorm with a freshman girl as a college grad, but I was hooking up with her while her roommate was 4-feet away. Classic postgrad Tinder situation. I couldn’t wait to tell my buddies. Hannah thought it wasn’t a big deal, so we continued and tried be quieter.
That plan would have worked, if it weren’t for Hannah’s superb blowjob skills making me squeal like a school girl at recess, or the fact that Hannah moaned like a pregnant walrus giving birth as she discovered her newfound G-spot while I tickled her anus. That was apparently the line for Hannah’s 6-foot Russian volleyball player roommate, and she stormed out of the room to sleep God knows where. But I didn’t care. I was finally about to get what I came for.
Roomie left. Hannah went down south as my flag pole was sticking up north, and within 5 minutes the white flag was flying from my less than prominent pole. Feeling macho and proud, I put on only my boxers to walk to the community bathroom in the hallway and take my post ejaculation victory piss.
I opened up the door to the hallway, and, to my surprise, found the misfit toys still in session. But now they were joined by Hannah’s disgruntled roommate. As I got closer to the group, they turned silent and all stared awkwardly at me. I couldn’t blame them. I was shirtless, hairy as hell, clearly too old to be in the building, and had my soggy dong sticking to my boxers.
I stared right back into the pits of their souls with post-fuck confidence, walked right past them and into the bathroom where I took one of the most glorious pisses of all-time. I was midway through my piss when the hall dweeb that clearly had a crush on Hannah walked into the bathroom. He stopped at a sink to brush his teeth, and before he even put the toothpaste on his toothbrush, he whined, “How old are you anyway?”
“Old enough kid.” *two shakes, pulls up boxers* “Old enough.”
Then I headed back inside Hannah’s room to find that both Hannah and her roommate had quickly fallen asleep. I took that as my cue to fall asleep as well.
I woke up at 7am, got some morning dome, and headed back to my apartment to shower, change, and go to work for the day.
Hannah and I ended up hanging out for about two months, but stopped talking once she met a dude that actually attended TCU. The memories will last forever, though..
Image via YouTube