I Suffer From A Severe Case Of Bitchy Brain

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I Suffer From A Severe Case Of Bitchy Brain

Today on my way home from work, I did what any normal twenty-something does – zero-in on my phone and catch up on social media. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Talk to people? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Anyway, I came across yet another totally accurate and life-changing BuzzFeed quiz: “How Bitchy is Your Brain?” At first, I was about to scroll right past it, and then I realized I was out of people to Facebook stalk, and Instagram was lame today. Where are all of my pictures of food and funny memes now that I need you, people of the Internet? You had one job.

As it turns out, I have an 87% bitchy brain. Apparently, this means that “I often think things that I shouldn’t say aloud, but I am pretty good at keeping your mean thoughts to myself.”

Yeah, unless you’ve read any of my articles before.

I also “have a few designated bitching buddies who I consult from time to time. And there’s nothing wrong with being bitchy; it just means I’m not a fake person.”

Um… thank you? Hey, @allmyfriends – I’m now going to refer to you guys as my “bitching buddies.” When used in a sentence: “me and my bitching buddies are going out downtown tonight.” Rolls right off the tongue.

Jokes aside, I think BuzzFeed might be on to something. We could be on the cusp of the next introvert vs. extrovert debate, you guys. This is history in the making.

Okay, just hear me out. How many times have you wanted to say something maybe not so nice or politically correct but you held back because someone, somewhere might get offended? Nevermind the fact that people get offended when someone sneezes nowadays. You kept it to yourself because you knew people would look at you like you said you don’t like Beyoncé. It’s not that you’re a mean person, it’s just that you know it’s not always rainbows and sunshine.

We all show up for work or school every day with a smile plastered on our face, trying to please everyone and convincing the world that we rescue kittens from trees in our spare time. But the second we get back home, we’re free to be our sarcastic, sassy, self-deprecating selves (say that ten times fast).

I guarantee that there’s a little bit of a “bitchy brain” in all of us… Well, at least those of us that read this website. There’s a crucial distinction between “bitch” and “having a bitchy brain,” though. Bitches (this applies to you too, gentlemen) will go out of their way to be mean or manipulative towards others. People with “bitchy brains” will just think mean things, but wouldn’t actually act upon their thoughts. They’re the ones thinking “shut the f up” about the loud guy down the hall, but would never actually call him out on it. Maybe this makes us all cowards, I don’t know. All I’m saying is that there’s got to be more of us out there than we realize. I mean, Betches Love This made a very successful brand out of making fun of the things people think or feel but don’t actually say out loud. Taylor Swift used her bitchy brain to kickstart her career; just ask John Mayer, or Harry Styles, or Jake Gyllenhaal… actually, on second thought, she’s just a bitch.

We’re all thinking these bitchy things, it’s just that the angel on our shoulder is telling us to not to do anything about it. That, or we’re just entirely too lazy.

Moral of the story: if you don’t have anything nice to say, come join me and my bitching buddies in the corner.

Image via Everett Collection / Shutterstock.com

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