There are some forms of social media that I just rock at. My tumblr captioning is hysterical, my Twitter is delightful (even if I admittedly complain a little too much sometimes), and I usually have some pretty entertaining Snapchat stories. I don’t really use Facebook anymore, but I throw out some genuine Happy Birthdays and have quite the profile picture collection. But there is one form of social networking that I just cannot get a grasp on.
My name is Kendra, and I really, really suck at Instagram.
It is honestly the bane of my existence. There was a time when I was attempting to master taking shots of my various egg sandwiches and greyhounds at brunch, but now I look at that frittata shot and just feel disappointed in myself. I’ve downloaded VSCO and Whitagram, but it doesn’t help. My candid shot of me, myself, and tater tots just doesn’t look as good as Caroline’s with her BLT. I scroll through the feeds of various friends of mine, hoping I don’t accidentally like something from 23 weeks back and trying to figure out just how they do it. I swear I’m not being creepy; I’m simply trying to learn your ways.
I suck at Instagram. And I wish I didn’t.
How people are paid upwards of $100,000 per ‘Gram blows my mind. It can’t be as simple as wearing a lot of horizontal stripes in front of a blank, white wall. I have an iPhone 6, so it’s not like I’m trying to get at it with a shitty, Android camera. I’ve done all of the stereotypical photos. Looking away and laughing, the feet shot, from-above-brunch shot, the cityscape: I’ve done ‘em all. But despite the effort my Instagram game is still pretty much non-existent.
Is it because those girls are basically models minus the height? Do they have access to a set of filters my peasant self is simply not privy to? Was there a 20-something meeting entitled “#blessed” that I missed and because of my absence I will never be able to properly filter that picture of my dog and her toy? It can’t possibly be a “having a good eye” thing because it’s an app, (not a career) and by that logic, anyone with the ability to download something and enter their iCloud password would be a photographer.
It’s not for lack of trying. I have so many photos of various friends, food, and fun where you can see me trying to nail it. But I just don’t. I will post a photo of my best friend and I on Halloween decked out in our costumes before we head to the bar scene and count it as a win if I score that coveted 11th like. He will post essentially the same photo and get up to 55. I don’t get it, but I have to accept it.
I think it’s safe to say that I’m never going to be Instagram famous or pocketing likes for days. Maybe it’s my distaste for minimalism, or I’m being punished for actually using the X-Pro II filter once (I swear it was only one time!), but this is kind of just my fate. I’ll be the person in your feed that will continue to post pictures of her dog and sort of drunk friend that you scroll by while really just looking for more pictures of Brazilian super models.
But even with my inability to be good at Instagram, at least I’m not following The Fat Jewish. .
Image via Shutterstock