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I Should’ve Gone To Hogwarts

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In a human’s tenure on earth, there are only a handful of pivotal choices that determine how the rest of life will play out. One of these vector changes is deciding where to go to college. After personal reflection, I came to the realization that I made the wrong choice—instead of opting for Muggle University, I should’ve gone to Hogwarts. Now, those precious undergrad years at the school of witchcraft and wizardry are an experience unto themselves, but what is often forgotten is the postgrad life that Hogwarts sets you up for. There are painstaking aspects of the muggle postgrad world you are relieved of, special connections that come with your diploma, and, of course, there’s magic.

The Commute

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Most college graduates migrate in herds to where the jobs are: big cities. One of the negative facets of living in a big city is traffic. The daily commute to the office can add upwards of two hours onto your day. The opportunity cost of those hours is astounding—with an average of 250 working days a year and an average commute to work of just over 25 minutes, you’ve lost over eight full days behind the wheel of your car just this calendar year. That’s a week of vacation. Poor muggles. Our friends in the wizarding community travel much more efficiently by means of the Floo Network, broomstick and Apparation. Think of what you could do with all the time saved, not to mention the money! All the nuisances of travel are eliminated. No gas, no oil changes, no traffic, no car insurance, no radio commercials, no road rage.

The Currency

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One of the biggest plights after graduating is putting some hard earned money into savings accounts. But stacking dollar bills is easier said than done, because of student loans and bar tabs. What you might not realize is, even if you’re one of those postgrads who has automatic deposits into your savings account every month, your savings are actually losing value. With the Fed trying to stabilize interest rates, savings accounts are yielding near zero percent interest. That means every dollar you save today is worth about 98.5 cents next year and your savings are succumbing to inflation. This, however, isn’t a problem for the patrons of Gringotts Bank. The wizarding world still uses golden Galleons and silver Sickles as its currency, and, with gold prices ever rising, their money saved not only retains its value but becomes more valuable as time passes. Plus, there’s no credit fraud and no identify theft. The last successful break-in was all the way back in ’91 by Quirinus Quirrell, but even he had Voldermort’s assistance. We don’t need to worry about Lord Voldy anymore. Knock on wood.

The Alumni Network

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Unless your dad is an executive in a Wall Street firm or you get drafted into the NFL, you probably won’t walk across the stage and into a job you love. Or even a job that requires your college degree. Forbes reports that only 43% of graduates from muggle universities use their diploma. In the wizarding world, every job requires skills and knowledge acquired only through schooling. Without having to worry about skilled labor such as plumbing and electricians, every graduate is set up for a white collared job. And similar to our muggle sector, getting the job you want is all about who you know. Hogwarts has graduated philosophical minds such as Nicolas Flamel, entrepreneurial legends like Bertie Bott and political czars including Cornelius Fudge—all of whom hire and promote from within their extensive alumni network. Graduates from Hogwarts are in high demand. Worst-case scenario, you can always come back and teach at Hogwarts until you get your feet on the ground.

The Reunions

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The class of 2008 is gearing up for their five-year reunion and people all over Europe are starting to murmur. Homecoming at the castle is a bash (so I hear, I’ve never actually been invited). Like its muggle counterparts, Hogwarts has its alumni reunite for the biggest rivalry game of the year—and, of course, we’re talking Quidditch, not football. The Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry is comparable to Ohio State-Michigan, except centuries older dating back to the 1600s. The tailgating takes place in the Great Hall where the food and drink are endless. If for some reason that’s not your cup of tea, take your pre-game festivities to Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade for some Butterbeer and Fire Whiskey.

There are rumors out there that Hogwarts is adding graduate level course in both business and law. Needless to say, I’m thrilled. I already sent my application essay to Harvard, but I’m going to hold out for my owl from Hogwarts.

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