This is not a paid advertisement. I’ve never stepped foot in the state of Arizona, but I think I know enough to make this declaration: I should have gone to Arizona State.
I mean, what the fuck is even going on out there, anyway? Admittedly, the majority of what I know about this school is via Instagram, golf tournaments, Girls Gone Wild- Lake Havasu, and stories relayed to me by a buddy of mine whose brother-in-law went to school there, but I think it’s safe to say those kids are doing it right. Like many, I spend a good portion of the day anticipating the next pointless group text to light up my phone. More often than not, it’s a screenshot of something like this:
Please note the caption. Specifically, the part that says, “from ASU.” Unless I’m way off base here, that’s Arizona State University and not Angelo State University (home of the Rams). This isn’t an isolated incident, either. When one of my degenerate friends sends out a photo of a barely dressed college babe, there’s a pretty good chance she’s from ASU. If she’s not from ASU, then she probably goes to the University of Arizona, which is nothing to shrug your shoulders at. But if I had to do it again, I’m going ASU all day, everyday. Man, I would’ve
cleaned up done decently.
Seriously, what’s happening down there? Do they all look like this?:
Yeah, I know. You probably think my friends are revolting. I’d say more creative than revolting, but to each his (probably her in this case) own. Either way, I hear or read “I should’ve gone to Arizona State” on a daily basis. Are we delusional? Yep. Are we grossly inflating our ability to pull ass like that in college? Of course we are. Revisionist history is a staple of the late-twenties group text. So what?
If you’re not convinced, consider this: Tempe is about a 15 minute drive from Scottsdale, and that’s where the Waste Management Phoenix Open is played. It’s one part golf tournament, two parts day rage throwdown. Not into golf for some awful reason? That’s fine. The WM Open features the most debaucherous hole in golf, the par-3 16th. As long as you can remember to either: 1) Boo obnoxiously when a golfer misses the green and then pound your beer, or 2) Yell obnoxiously when a golfer hits a good shot and then pound your beer, you’ll do just fine.
Maybe this will refresh your memory and get you sports-hard at the same time:
Tiger, fuck yeah. Can you imagine the damage he could do, did do, or is currently doing, at ASU? There’s really no way of knowing whether he took a swim through Tempe after signing his scorecard, but I just pretend that he did. By my estimation, you probably have to be at least a solid 7 to get hired at a Denny’s in Tempe, and we all know how that story ends. By the way, did you hear he and LV broke up? I feel like the Summer of Spieth may become the Summer of Tiger. He’s probably got a pocket full of Ambien and a 31-year-old Vegas cage dancer named Chloe by his side right now.
Now, I’m not overlooking the fact that the WM only happens once a year, but you know what doesn’t happen once a year? Perfect weather. The way I imagine it, every day is a skip class and pound Miami Vices by the pool day. Whether that’s true or not remains to be seen. I’m sure one of our loyal readers with first hand knowledge can fill me in, but I’m going to guess that I’m not that far off.
Finally, and most importantly, there’s the Cactus League. That’s right, 15 teams, 10 stadiums, and so many beers. Taking a trip to watch your ball club during spring training is perhaps the pinnacle of baseball fandom. Any bandwagon riding asshole can max out their credit card to attend a playoff game, but hitting up Spring Training requires sincere commitment. I’ve studied the map, and it appears that all 10 Cactus League stadiums are no more than an hour outside of Tempe. If I’m at ASU, I’m all over it. Skipping class to watch the 14th ranked prospect in your farm system try to lock down a spot on the 40-man is about as American as it gets. I’d even go shirtless in the bleachers and put out the vibe a little bit. It’s Cactus League, and that kind of shit is going to happen.
What could’ve been..
Image via Shutterstock