Shamefully, I return to my desk with my head hung a little lower than usual, back hunched, eyes on the floor, and walking in a gangly, awkward gait trying desperately to cross my legs and move forward at the same time. It is a daily ritual of returning from the bathroom with a few droplets (many times more than a few) of pee on my khakis. I swear I’ve tried everything from wiping down with toilet paper to doing a good old fashioned shakeout for what feels like hours.
Be it splash-back or just a little bit that was left in the reserve to really screw me over, I can’t seem to escape this nightmare. Sadly, on the days when my navy or darker colored khakis are in the laundry, the dreaded classic tan khakis come out to play. Relentless, they toy with my emotions, knowing that as soon as I go to wash my hands I will glance down and see the elusive dark circles just below my “special area”.
The vicious circle of drinking as much coffee and water as possible to create more bathroom breaks comes with a serious cost. It is the internal embarrassment of thinking your co-workers consider you nothing more than a slightly more capable, college educated toddler.
In addition to that, you’ve probably convinced yourself that they are taking notes of each and every one of your bathroom breaks, and wondering if you have a serious bladder issue. In reality, the men and women you work with couldn’t care less, and most likely have never even noticed. However, the possibility that maybe they have noticed, or could detect it in the future is enough to cripple some men.
On various occasions, “Little Brad” will grant me a blessing. I’ll approach the sink with a heaviness in my heart, only to be greeted by a fresh, clean pair of khakis ready to be strutted around the office. On these rare occasions, I thank my body for making me look potty-trained this time and confidently re-fill my water bottle, ready to take on the day. But then, before I know it, the slight clenching feeling returns, and I am consumed with fear that another bathroom break is in my future.
It is a never-ending cycle, and one that I can never hope to break. Is there hope for people like me? Maybe. I could conform to a life of only dark-colored pants to save me the embarrassment, but I love my khakis too much. They are the iconic symbol of business casual, and I have too much respect for them to just toss them in the closet forever. Thus, day in and day out, over and over again, I dance with the devil every bathroom break.
It is not an easy way to live, and I hope there are at least some people out there who have felt my pain. I suppose it could be worse, though. I could have openly shit my pants at work after a street stand burrito goes bad. I could’ve had an explosive bowel movement right there in my cubicle and been shamed forever. Maybe I should just count my blessings and focus on worrying about whether or not I have some sort of crippling kidney disease.
For the sake of my mental health and embarrassment, please leave any solutions you have to this affliction below..
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