I Need To Be A Glasses Guy Like I Need Air To Breathe

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I Need To Be A Glasses Guy Like I need air to breathe

Like it or not, glasses give off a vibe. They can connote an air of mystery, a nerdish quality, or a higher level of education. You cannot be in public with a pair of glasses on and not give off a certain kind of vibe.

Seeing a friend with glasses on for the first time is always like seeing a teacher outside of school or looking at a fish out of water. It looks funny, and the inevitable question is always asked: “Did you just not feel like wearing your contacts today or are those new?” Like a beauty mark on the cheek or a noticeable birthmark, a person wearing glasses out in public makes a statement without having to say anything. I see a person with glasses on at a party or bar and without even thinking about it I assume that they are an intelligent person. This can differ by the style that one chooses to wear, sure, but I think popular public perception is that someone with glasses on is smarter than the same guy without them.

Glasses have been in vogue for as long as people have been wearing them. Ben Franklin’s spectacles were simple, sure, but they were refined as hell. Patrick Bateman and his affinity for Oliver Peoples glasses? My God. What a sight. Zooey Deschanel, as annoying as she may be, is violently hot in the frames she wears on New Girl. That’s not really up for debate. The girl with glasses is an attraction as old as time itself. It’s the sexy librarian. It’s the shy girl in the front row who is actually a dragon in the sack but no one knows about it because she never speaks up. We all know about this girl.

And similar to how I believe that a cigarette will make anyone look cooler, the right pair of glasses can catapult that 6 with a Miller Lite in her hand to an 8 sipping a dirty martini. I want to be in the club. A glasses and cigarette combination could be absolutely deadly at the right watering hole.

Now, I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I have 20/20 vision. This means that glasses of any kind are pretty much out of the question for me. It’s totally unnecessary, but as a non-blindo is it acceptable to wear a pair of glasses with non-prescription lenses in them? I’ve been jealous of poor eyesight for a long time. I’m sure after eight hours in the cube with glasses on your face you want to break them into a million little pieces on the curb outside, but all I am asking for is a free pass to be able to wear them for a few hours every weekend.

I feel like people with poor eyesight will look down on a person like myself, who has always scored perfect on eye exams, and hate me before they get to know me. I mean, I have this problem already, but maybe the glasses could be a way for people to see that I’m just a human? A regular guy trying to get his fuck on like every other guy at this party? My biggest fear of getting a pair of fake glasses? That someone who legitimately wears glasses to see five feet in front of them will frown upon the act of wearing something purely for selfish reasons.

I see Lebron or KD with a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and I know they’re fake. But I don’t think a lot of people realize it. I want in on the glasses trend. No, I don’t want the thick horned rims that you can get at an Urban Outfitters down the street. I just want a pair to pop on at the bar when I inevitably strike out but need to keep tossing my hat into the ring without being noticed. I want the round frames in a tortoise color that tells people I party, while simultaneously letting them know that I fucking read. It’s not about eyesight for me. It’s about giving off this vibe that I so desperately want in on.

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