Columns

I Moved To The Pacific Northwest And My Neighbors Think I’m Texas Trash

I Moved To Pacific Northwest And My New Neighbors Think I'm Texas Trash

I’ve spent a lot of time outside my native Texas and I’ve come up with a theory as to why we Texans are so obnoxious. It’s this: because everyone hates on Texans.

Texas pride is a vicious circle. You hate us for being prideful, we are prideful because you hate us. It’s a never ending downward circle that makes the Snapchat IPO look like a dream.

Look, I’ll be the first one to admit we are ridiculous. In addition to living in my hometown, Granger Smith’s alter ego Earl Dibbles Jr. actually reminds me of a few people I know. I consider this a good thing, many other people probably don’t.

Which brings me to about an hour ago outside my new house in the burbs of Seattle.

My new company is packing and moving almost all of my stuff; it’s amazing. With that being said, they refused to move any firearms. Because they wouldn’t move them, and I didn’t feel like dealing with an FFL, I decided I’d make the drive up here from Austin with the guns, alcohol, and my epileptic dog who probably shouldn’t have been flying as is.

The only trouble with this that I didn’t foresee was the actual unloading of said weapons in the liberal hellhole that is Seattle. I didn’t think much of it and went out to my truck which of course has an off-road package because #Texan. As I’m unloading said truck I grab the PMAGS and throw them in my right jacket pocket. In my left jacket pocket obviously goes the .45. All that leaves is the AR-15 which I sling over my shoulder.

This is honestly a rather modest gun collection. I’ve got a toddler and the last thing I want is him rummaging through my stuff and coming across this. Because of said toddler, I’ve only really kept weapons similar to those I used in the Army.

As I’m done wrapping up the firearms unloading, I shoot out a pretty good dipspit onto the ground. Obnoxious spitting is basically the only benefit of being up here a few weeks before my wife and son arrive.

No sooner than that spit hit the ground do I look up and see my neighbor staring in-wide eyed disbelief behind his hybrid car. He gives me a look of “this must be the Texan I heard about moving here from the HOA” and gets into his car.

As I lifted my arm to wave at him and give him a mouthful of Grizzly-smile….of course two of the PMAGS come sliding out of my pocket to slam on the ground.

The face of sheer terror he made at me most certainly did not come with a corresponding wave and smile. He was freaked the fuck out and I’m 50% certain CNN might be broadcasting live from a chopper above my house in the next hour or so.

The one could thing that came from this is how much fucking fun I’m going to have screwing with my neighbors. I shot my wife a text about the latest shitshow I’ve managed to get myself in and she texted back:

“You’re sure not making it easy for me haha…..maybe I’ll show up big pregnant with Little Kiawah wearing just a diaper in my arms with a fat ass dip in my mouth as well. Throw them for a loop.”

I clearly married the right woman.

But for now, I’ll just throw a Come and Take It flag in front of the house and wait for Wolf Blitzer to start talking about me later tonight. Better grab a Yeti full of C&C and a Shiner and wait this thing out.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Kiawah Island Strip Club

I'd rather be golfing.

41 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More