I Might Be The Whitest Guy You Know

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I Might Be The Whitest Guy You Know
Pictured here at a Christian summer camp in 2011, 17-year-old Evan was only slightly aware of his epic whiteness.

My nickname on the 2008-09 Henry Clay High School freshman basketball team was Casper.

While the exclusively-British genes I was born with have presented many opportunities for my peers to poke fun at over the years, the paper-white skin tone is hardly the whitest thing about me. In no certain order, I present to you my resume that’s worthy of a spot in the book Stuff White People Like.

I’ve seen the Avett Brothers in concert three times.
On all three occasions, you could count the number of non-white people in attendance on one hand zero fingers.

When people ask me my favorite hobbies, my first answer is always “road-tripping.”
Favorite road trip-themed jams include Trampled By Turtles’ “Midnight on the Interstate” and The Head and the Heart’s “Down in the Valley.” I’m clearly a free spirit….

Not only am I a horrible dancer, I overcompensate by embracing this fact.
I thought it was hilarious when I grinded on way too many chicks my sophomore year.

I listen to this guy yap on my television every summer.

So what are you reading into about LeBron’s most recent Tweet, Brian?

I pay extra money for food from a large truck on a busy street, even though it is actually average at best.
Because doesn’t food actually taste better when it came from a no-name “startup” that makes you stand and walk and eat in a crowded urban setting, all at the same time?

I’ve made a serious attempt at creating a smartphone app.
Advice for youngsters who are soon to begin college: major in computer science. It may be boring as sin, but I promise it will open doors for you where there were only walls.

I passionately defend every stance this guy ever makes.
He’s smarter than anyone any of us have ever met, it’s just a fact of life.

Despite growing to 6’2 by my sophomore year of high school, the only position I’ve ever played in basketball is point guard.
I wish I could blame my three knee surgeries for my embarrassing lack of leaping ability, but Steve Nash’s bogus MVPs during my early teens trapped me into denial.

I get way too into my Facebook posts.
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“Short-and-sweet” is an idea presented that I became familiar with only recently.

Adam Sandler was my favorite actor growing up.
Shoutout to my older brother for gifting me his VHS copies of Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison in the early 2000s — that’s where I truly learned how to laugh my ass off.

I now hate Adam Sandler.
Stop ruining my childhood, you sellout.

I’ve seen every single 30 For 30 movie.
The five-part, seven-hour O.J. Simpson series is all I will talk about this summer.

My first car was a mid-sized SUV.
1996 black Nissan Pathfinder. Doesn’t get any more “high school” than that.

I geek out about running into semi-accomplished athletes in public.
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I just know too much useless information about sports, period.

I know everything about the movie (500) Days of Summer.

Did you know that to match her eye color, the only color clothing Zooey Deschanel wears throughout the entire movie is blue? Betcha didn’t — and I know you still don’t care.

I’ve watched The Sandlot over a half-dozen times.
Parenthood for me will be a failure if my boy doesn’t do the same.

I grew up vacationing in New England.
Ironically enough this was where I became familiar with the term WASP.

I did way too much community service in high school.
That 6’x6′ “community garden” in the Henry Clay High School parking lot didn’t build itself.

I take ping pong table tennis way too seriously.
Will deFries has a 2:00 pm CDT appointment to have his ass handed to him by me, 21-10.

I’m actually really disappointed that I’ll never be able to grow a beard.
After seeing John Krasinski grow one for his latest movie, I’ve re-gained false hope that mine will come around in my early-thirties.

I blog about how white I am.
And I am extremely unsure about how I feel about that.

Far too fond of referring to himself in the third person, Evan took an unnecessary amount of pride for being Grandex's Post Grad Problems intern last summer while still an undergrad. Send leads/tips to Samuel.Evan.Lawrence@gmail.com

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