I Hate Your Homemade Smoothie

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I Hate Smoothies

One of my coworkers brings a smoothie from home to work with him almost every single day. He then leaves his cup when he’s finished with it, usually about half full, in the company fridge. The next day, he shows up again with a new smoothie in a new cup.

Not only is my work fridge full of this guy’s leftover liquid breakfast, I also have to sit in the same space with him as he drinks it. My office smells like yams and cabbage, and when he spilled his toxic waste hued drink on my desk the other day I about lost it.

But this guy is not the only problem, annoying as he may be. It’s his smoothies. I hate them, and I hate the smug look on his face when he waddles into the office feeling superior because he managed to combine collard green and beets this morning into a concoction that looks like some sort of frothy, bloody excretion. I’ll say it again: I hate smoothies. Is there a club for this?

First of all, my main source of disgust is directed toward homemade smoothies. People make them with weird variations of vegetables and fruits now, or even sweet ones that are “supposed” to taste like milkshakes with chocolate or something, which is even more abhorrent. Why would you do that to chocolate? What has it ever done to you? The fruit and vegetable ones never fail to materialize in some lovely shade of baby shit, or vomit.

There’s puke green, that weird orangey yellow shade that looks like a dog shit in your cup, and half the time they’re also sprinkled with some clumpy powder or seeds that make it look like algae is literally growing in your glass. Appetizing. What is the point of drinking something with fruit in it when it’s not sangria? I don’t have calories to waste on liquid when it’s not going to at least give me a buzz, and not the one you get from drinking two-week-old blended broccolini by accident.

When did it become “cool” to revert back to ingesting what we were forced to eat as children, and what we force our kids now to eat? There’s a reason parents have to airplane food into their kids’ mouths, and it’s because that shit is disgusting. But now, adult humans are re-embracing the tradition of weirdly colored liquid food and acting like it’s some sort of new religion. Smoothie drinkers can’t be content just to make themselves a healthy drink at home. They have to talk about it.

They talk about what they put into their drink to make it not taste like they’re swallowing leaves like a koala bear, and they talk about the newest blenders they can make them with. “I can barely taste the kale!” says Susie, wincing as she swallows yet another chunk of chia seeds. “This is great!” Is it, though, Susie? Is it?

Making a smoothie at home is miserable. Typically you’re going to want to use at least a few different variations of fruits and vegetables, so that clutters up all your counters, and then you have to blend it all together in a blender that, if not cleaned immediately, will smell worse than if you just took a dump in there.

Sure, you can make sure to be vigilant about washing your blender immediately and tidying up your kitchen by putting your squash back into the fridge, but let’s be real for a second here. Sometimes you’re in a hurry and you just don’t have time for that shit.

Then you’re left with stained kitchen counters, dirty knives from chopping, and a blender that’s now covered in rock hard spinach flakes that will take you days to properly clean. All for sixteen ounces of liquid filled with raspberry seeds that got in your teeth and gave you green diarrhea.

People who make their smoothies at home are worse than people who buy them, because they convince themselves they’re saving money, when in reality they’re spending just as much on arugula and carrots then they would save by just buying a damn smoothie out for $4.99. Don’t kid yourself.

No pennies saved are worth having to clean out your smoothie cup after you brought it to work and then forgot to wash it out until the end of the day.

Also, I’m just going to say it: A smoothie is not a meal. A smoothie does not fill you up, no matter how much protein powder you stuff in there. No one, after drinking a cup of liquid, is satisfied and ready to tackle the rest of their day, no matter how much you might try to lie to yourself about how “full” you are.

Smoothies are a new and “fun” way to try and trick yourself into eating healthy, the same way we operate with four-year-olds who don’t like vegetables. But you are a fucking adult. If you still have to trick yourself into eating the occasional vegetable, then your maturity levels are seriously stunted. Just eat your fucking broccoli.

You don’t have to blend it up into baby shit consistency and then drink it. I pretty much assume that any guy who’s drinking a smoothie that he clearly made at home has a penis that’s in a semi-permanent flaccid state. It just looks so much like a gesture of total defeat.

Look, I respect your attempt to eat healthy. I even respect your right to turn a perfectly good salad into a swampy-looking mass of water and chunks of spring greens. But don’t ask me not to judge you for doing it. That’s beyond my power. And, fair warning: if you ask me to try it, and tell me that I’ll “barely taste the wheatgrass,” I just might hurt you.

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