Columns

I Hate Turning My Back On Classic Light Beer, But I’m A Michelob Ultra Man Now

I Hate Turning My Back On Classic Light Beer, But I'm A Michelob Ultra Man Now

I’ve been on a bit of a health kick as of late. And by health kick I mean that I’ve actively been trying to cut down on takeout and choosing to eat Bud Lights for dinner every Friday and Saturday.

Up until about six months ago, Michelob Ultra wasn’t even on my radar. 95 calories? 2.6 carbs? Those stats mean absolutely nothing to a freshly minted 25-year-old. Times have changed, though. I’m 25 and a half now, which means I go to the grocery store and buy fruit (even though it ultimately rots in the crisper of my refrigerator). I sign up for yoga through Class Pass with the intention of talking to girls, only to go and stay in the far back corner because 1. I’m terrible at yoga, and 2. I still haven’t figured out a way to hit on girls while they’re working out.

I go to a gym about a mile away from my apartment and have to work twice as hard to see any sort of progress. I go to a food truck selling street meat and feel like I’m hungover for the next day and a half. The long and short of it is that my metabolism has slowed down a little bit. I can’t wake up on a Saturday morning and get rid of a hangover with the snap of my fingers and a few Advil. I’m old, and that is precisely where Mich Ultras come into play.

I’ve given you my thoughts on white and red wine. I’ve rambled for 1,000+ words on why a Tom Collins is the only drink you should have in your hand during the summer. My opinions on seltzer water and coffee are well known at this point. And now I’m here to tell you that from now until you’re no longer able to drink beer, make it a mother fucking Michelob Ultra.

Mich Ultra isn’t a beer. When you really think about it it’s more like a protein shake than anything else. You suck down three Michelob Ultras and there’s really no telling what you can do. The obvious answer is you could continue drinking. But you could bike up a mountain. Go for a crisp jog around your neighborhood or hit a spin class if you want to. Three Michelob Ultras allows you to have flexibility. When you’re drinking a competitor like Bud Light or Coors, the only thing you really have on your mind is who is picking up the next round. With Michelob Ultra it’s just different. I mean, take a look at their Instagram page:

Screen Shot 2017-03-21 at 2.58.21 PM

Uhhh are you kidding me? Who is running this account? Hot girl with butts? Check. Getting a sweat in? Check. You running next to aforementioned hot girl and putting the moves on her after you guys finish running? Only if you start ripping Michelob Ultras.

Mich Ultra’s IG has me ready to run through a goddamn brick wall. It’s a beer for sportsmen. It’s a beer that screams “I live in a one-bedroom apartment with exposed brick, I work out regularly, and actually have a pretty solid 401k.” Lance Armstrong used to have a sick endorsement deal with the 95 calorie delight before he got caught doping, which only further confirms my theory that Mich Ultra is for winners. You can take away his yellow jerseys, but he still won those races.

Mich Ultra is the beer to drink when you’re living that carefree, active lifestyle. Michelob Ultra drinkers don’t take the escalator, they look for the stairs. Mich Ultra drinkers get an early morning workout in, crush a plate of scrambled eggs, and then hit the bar looking for good tunes and a coldie. That’s just the Ultra life.

And I know exactly what you’re thinking- “But John, if I’m overheard at the bar ordering a Mich Ultra won’t all of my alpha friends make fun of me?” Uhhh no, because all of your alpha friends have actually been drinking Mich Ultras behind your back for years. I won’t lie to you, it hurt when I decided to stop buying Bud Light, Miller Light, and other beers of that ilk. It kills me to walk past a 24-pack of MLs at the supermarket, but I’m #TeamMich now.

Michelob Ultra is the best kept secret in the world. It’s sophisticated, it’s light, it’s domestic, and it’s refreshing. What the hell more could you ask for?

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

38 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More