Did you know that “racewalking” is an Olympic sport? No, seriously, it’s a footrace where you have to have your feet make contact with the ground at all times. You legitimately walk around the track in front of other athletes who run and try to get a gold medal for something you learned how to master before the age of two.
And you know what’s mindblowing about how fucking stupid that sport is? It’s not even the dumbest sport in the athletic realm. Oh, no. There’s one sport that takes that crown and it’s not even all that close.
Curling, where you bounce heavy-ass stones off each other? Nope, that’s essentially just shuffleboard but blown up. Badminton? Sure, it’s just tennis for even whiter people but even that’s fun when you’ve got a cold beer in your hand and a lush lawn at your disposal. I’m not talking about synchronized swimming, dressage, or inline speed roller skating.
Nope. I’m talking about disc golf. Or frisbee golf. Or frolf. Whatever you want to call it, it’s really fucking stupid.
You know what sounds absolutely fucking terrible? Strapping on some Birkenstocks, driving my Subaru to a beaten down natural area covered in dead grass and dirt, and lugging around a bag of different sized and weighted frisbees that I’m about to throw at a metal fucking pole littered with rusting chains. Add on the fact that I’m expected to bring along a pick-six of heady, hoppy beers that’ll make me sprint for a bathroom the next day and you’ve got yourself the perfect day of disc golfing. And by “perfect,” I mean “miserable.”
I didn’t even used to hate frisbee golf. I considered it to be a sport that the stoners in high school went to go play because they were too afraid of getting caught burning a j in their parent’s house or in their car off school grounds. I figured it was just a means to get outside and away from “the man” for a few hours to discuss who was better between Phish, Grateful Dead, and String Cheese. It was a place where they could toss around the ideas for new jewelry featuring braided hemp and bent PBR caps. And honestly, that all probably rings true today. But like I said, that’s not why I hated it in the first place.
You see, I was a part of a conversation where someone referred to golf – you know, the 15th-century sport for gentleman and scholars alike – as “ball golf.” Needing a double-take because that’s usually a phrase you hear in reverse order, I had to clarify.
“Yeah, ball golf.”
Golf isn’t normally a sport that needs a descriptive word ahead of it. That is, unless it’s miniature golf. But that’s not the descriptor that this heathen was intending to use after I questioned his blasphemy.
“What? Are there other kinds of golf?” I genuinely asked.
“Yeah,” he said seconds before destroying everything in the world I thought I already knew. “I play disc golf.”
Oh, no. There are some things you just don’t compare. You can’t compare Miracle and Goon just because they’re hockey movies. You can’t compare milk and bourbon just because they’re liquids that you drink. And you don’t compare golf to disc golf just because they both contain the word “golf.” I understand that the premise is the same (just as I assume darts and archery are the same in some sense), but to demean the beautiful game of golf by putting it on par with disc golf is like telling someone a 2009 bottle of Chateau Margaux tastes the same as Charles fucking Shaw.
Golf – it’s a game of honor, mental fortitude, skill. Disc golf is a game of dirty feet, beach toys, grass-smoking, and cargo shorts. Like, I get it – golf isn’t for everyone just as frisbee golf isn’t for everyone (namely, me). Different strokes for different folks, right? I mean, I guess, if your different strokes would prefer to be pit-stained cotton concert t-shirts and muddy Tevas. But hey, who am I to judge, right?
I completely understand it. Frolf is probably more economical than joining a country club or playing a $90 round. And sure, you can simply walk onto a disc golf course without a tee time after work one day with your boys. But are you really going to put the two in the same fucking category? I don’t see a PDGA where they hand out Green Blazers every April. For all I know, there could be a US Open for disc golf, but it probably takes place in a doomed forest in Oregon instead of on a picturesque course on some of the most expensive property in the nation. And yeah, you don’t need a whole new set of clothes to play frisbee golf, specifically because you can just wear the same clothes you wear every weekend to your friend’s house to burn some schwag.
But whatever you do, disc golfers, don’t change your ways. By all means, keep playing the game you love. Just don’t taint golf by comparing your sport to it. They’re not the same, they’ll never be the same, and that’s just fine.
Now, you mind if I bum one of your microbrews? I haven’t seen the cart girl in a few holes and daddy’s gettin’ thirsty. .
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