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I Got Engaged And Became A Love Expert And Now Everyone Hates Me

I Got Engaged And Became A Love Expert And Now Everyone Hates Me

Engaged people, myself included, tend to have an air of smugness surrounding them (us?) that makes other people cringe. Specifically, other single people. Watching two people post on social media constantly about their alleged undying dedication to each other becomes even more nauseating when there’s finally a ring involved, and you’re sitting at home alone because your Bumble date just canceled on you. I acknowledge that fact willingly because I’m one of those people now posting photos of my ring on Instagram and daring people to give me shade.

Engaged people are annoying. Married people are almost as bad, but once the glow of marriage fades and you gain back the twenty pounds you lost for the wedding you become a little more tolerable to be around. I, however, am not at that point yet. I’m just engaged. Being engaged has almost all the benefits of marriage but without the binding legal commitment. I have a little time before I need to start planning a wedding in earnest, so basically for the time being I get to enjoy everyone congratulating us without having to sweat over wedding planning. It’s a blissful time on my end.

However, this time has also caused a lot of my friends to basically hate my guts.

Not only have my single friends had to deal with the true love Instagram posts that make everyone except my mom roll their eyes, but they’ve also had to deal with my inflated sense of personal triumph. I tricked someone into committing themselves to me. I’m living the dream of having someone in my life who’s so blind to my flaws that she agreed to consider allowing me to bind myself legally to her forever, like a mollusk to her heart. As a result of my now-enormous ego, I’ve also been preaching non-stop to everyone around me about how to find love. I’m now a romantic relationship expert, and I consider myself well-equipped and qualified to dispense free advice freely and condescendingly, whether you asked to hear it or not.

To a certain extent, I do feel justified. Yeah, I said it. I’ve got a hand weighed down by carats over here, and you’re over there nursing resentment at me for succeeding where single people haven’t yet. It’s hard not to feel superior. That being said, I have to expose my throat to the knife here by admitting that I still don’t know shit about relationships. Does anyone, really? Sure, I’m engaged, but what does that really mean? My fiancé could still leave me at any time. There are only metaphorical chains tying her to me at this point until she marries me and I can buy the real ones. (Just kidding. Or am I?) Basically, I’m at the same fucking point I was at before the engagement, man. I still have no fucking clue what to say on a first date, or how to properly apologize to that guy whose dick you barfed on while giving him a beej. I might be able to act like I know it all now, but in reality, I’m just as lost as any other single girl out there wondering if she’ll ever find someone who will love her through the good times and the bad. So, really, I should kick the whole self-righteous attitude I have going for me right now and admit to the truth. I’m still a mess. I’m just a mess who happens to be engaged.

However, honesty never got anyone anywhere. And it’s too much fun to watch people’s tight, fake smiles as they’re forced to listen to my spiel about finding love because they’re trying to be polite even though we both know I’m the most obnoxious person on the planet. For now, I’m going to keep enjoying the free congratulatory drinks and acting like an asshole until someone calls me out. Just don’t rain on my parade quite yet, okay? I spent all my money on a ring and I really do need all the free beer I can get right now.

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Rory Gilmore

Rory Gilmore on the outside. Emily Gilmore on the inside. Email me funny shit at rory_gilmore20@yahoo.com.

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