I made a groundbreaking discovery over the weekend, and it would be irresponsible of me not to share my findings with the public. I didn’t set out to make such an important contribution to the scientific community and society in general this weekend, but as is the case with many other great revelations in history, I seem to have blindly stumbled upon it with the aid of alcohol.
Normally I like to unwind on the weekends by getting together with my friends and consuming wanton amounts of alcohol, a practice I’m sure many of you are familiar with. What better way to reward yourself for half-assing it through another work week by getting all fucked up? I mean, you’re not NOT going to drink that whole 12-pack that’s sitting in the fridge, am I right? It’s like Will Ferrell says when he’s doing his Harry Caray impression: “Why have one Budweiser when you can have a dozen? Cubs win!” Can’t argue with that irrefutable logic, especially not when the Buds are cold and the Cubs are World Series champs.
However, a peculiar thought entered my mind this weekend for reasons I’m still not certain of. Maybe it was prompted by the fact that I had additional responsibilities to tend to this weekend, or a reflection of embarrassing things I’ve done in the past, or even the dread of the inevitable hangover that would leave me damn near bed-ridden for the entire next day. Whatever the reason, my curious and inquisitive brain wanted to know: “Can I still enjoy the fun benefits of drinking on the weekend without completely wrecking my mind and body?”
In my quest for answers, I settled on a possible solution for this problem: moderation. Since stone cold sobriety simply wasn’t an option (I swear I don’t have a problem, maaaaaan), I was going to have to set a limit on and control my alcohol intake. As far fetched as the concept seemed I decided to dive deep into the great unknown, setting guidelines for myself to help with my journey. Instead of downing the entire twelve pack, I set a limit of only having like, half of it. Instead of ignoring the people I was with to guzzle drinks down my throats, I would make an effort to socialize and enjoy the company of others. These were all tall tasks, but they were ones I was willing to undertake.
And you know what? My little experiment was a rousing success. I was still able to catch a good buzz without getting completely annihilated. I still said and laughed at stupid shit without making a damn fool out of myself. I slept restfully through the night and didn’t feel like death when I woke up in the morning, which was at a reasonable hour. It’s almost as if you can still have an enjoyable experience with alcohol when you drink it responsibly! I know, it’s still weird to me too, but trust me on that.
I share this remarkable discovery with all of you because the consequences of drinking are a struggle we all must deal with, and it benefits everyone to share information that will enhance that experience while simultaneously mitigating the damage it does. As difficult as it sounds, I believe anyone can drink in moderation if they really put their mind to it. Even better, you can apply this practice to weeknight drinking and still report to work the next day without feeling as miserable as usual. This might be the antithesis of Smeltre, but none of us mere mortals can expect to live up to his legend. Moderate drinking was a concept that completely flew over my head until I tried it and now I might never go back (LOL no chance). .