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I Downloaded Bumble And Realized I Have Absolutely No Game

I Downloaded Bumble And Realized I Have Absolutely No Game

Not unlike most single 20-something girls I am no stranger to the world of Tinder, which I have been using to swipe through an endless stream of ‘beer and pizza is life’, ‘420 friendly,’ and ‘nature loving’ singles for the past two years. My attempts however, have been futile. I have remained un-cuffed through yet another cuffing season and I am no closer to finding that special someone than I was in 2013. Is it because I binge drink like a teenager? Is it because I still struggle to properly load a dishwasher? That’s subject to debate.

But recently I stumbled upon some very surprising and moderately game-changing news. The news that dating apps other than Tinder not only exist, but are being used by other humans. You can only imagine my delight as a friend of mine details the in and outs of “Bumble,” where girls have to message guys first and there are only 24 hours to do so. Oh, and apparently everyone on it is wicked hot. My reactions upon hearing this news were that of disbelief, confusion, and burning excitement, to name just a few. Guys actually use an app like this?

No more accidental drunk matches relentlessly messaging me to the point where I actually need to figure out where the un-match button is? No more swiping through every male in a 10-mile radius right as I’m about to go to sleep making it impossible to sustain any kind of follow-up conversation? And I get to begin the conversation with a match at a time that is convenient for me? I get to be the one to come up with a witty opening line? I get to swipe through every male in a 10-mile radius for the second time tonight?

iPhone in hand, I dove face first into the hive on the prowl for some honey. The rumors were true. The guys on this app were very attractive. Match after match my excitement grew. Could tonight be the night that I find the one? Had this magical dating app changed my life for the better? Bumble was eager to remind me that I only had 24 hours to begin talking to my matches. A timer was placed around each match’s picture so I had a visual of exactly how long before these potential man friends disappeared right back into cyberspace where they came from. Considering it was almost 1 a.m. on a Tuesday, I concluded that I would not begin a conversation with anyone until after work the next day, as I wanted to have multiple hours of free time in order to exert my full and undivided attention to these conversations.

Wednesday rolled around and I retreated to my living room couch with the quesadilla I had just made for dinner; I planned to make a formal occasion out of this. My roommate attempted to speak to me and I advised him to not associate me for the next couple hours, because I had work to do. Open message box staring me in the face, it was time to begin my first conversation. That’s when it hit me. What the actual fuck do I say to these people? I can’t just say ‘hey’… that’s too basic. These guys probably get that from every girl. How do I make myself stand out from the crowd?

My first inclination was to begin with a line such as ‘sup homie’ before quickly realizing how lame that was. Before long, I found myself Googling: ‘pick-up lines for girls to use’ and once discovering search results for this keyword literally do not exist on the internet, I settled for simply: ‘pickup lines’. I was working with about 25 matches and decided to test out which type of opener would rear the best result. Some men I hit with a simple ‘hey,’ some I pulled out some AIM lingo for, some I made some off-hand comment about one of their pictures if it applied, and some I just said whatever the fuck I could think of; hence asking one dude what his favorite type of pop-tart was.

I waited. And waited. By well into the next day, I had received only one message back and it was from pop-tart guy. We began talking, but the conversation shortly fizzled out. I tried again later that night with the exact same results: almost no responses from my potential suitors. I suddenly longed for the Tinder days where streams of ‘hey’ and cheesy pickup lines were far and few between. I longed for a time when there was no guessing as to who was interested. By not allowing men to message first, Bumble took any existing feelings of security and self-confidence I had and pulverized it.

To all the men out there – keep on keeping on. One day in the life and I crumbled under the pressure. Although I failed to find a special friend through Bumble, I believe my experience with this app has made me a better person. I’ll think twice before ignoring an innocent ‘hi.’ I’ll refrain from judging an especially bad pick-up line. This experience has made me capable of respecting the grind in a way that I never could before. And maybe that is the biggest win of all.

Image via Shutterstock

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