This is going to come off as shameless. This is going to come off as self-promoting. This is going to come off as, well, bizarre. But, a guy submitted a 1,100+ word column about how his girlfriend has a crush on me. I didn’t know what to do with it. Hell, I was skeptical about even clicking into it. I even considered trashing it and acting like it never happened. But with squinted eyes and some hesitation, I dove into the column head first and was highly entertained by one man’s struggle to take his girlfriend’s eyes off of me.
I’ll be the first to say it — I’m no prize. I probably eat too much, I probably drink too much, and I probably should be further along in my life than I am at age 29. But the heart wants what it wants so I can’t knock this girl for how she feels.
So without further ado, here is the submitted column called, “My Girlfriend Has A Crush On Will deFries.”
In all reality, I am the one responsible for my current situation. I introduced her to Post Grad Problems, I forward her links, I showed her Things Girls Do After Graduation; hell, I even read them with her. As much as I want to pull a Manitowoc PD and move the blame on someone else, I have to Brendan Dassey myself and go down with the ship.
I should also make clear that between her and I, only one of us is a postgrad. She should have no business reading PGP and stick to its little sister, TSM. I spent the appropriate amount of time on TFM when I was an undergrad, and then, just like a large number of users on this site, made the terrifying leap to the world of PGP (although I would like to point out that I jumped in on the ground floor). She should still be reading articles about making coolers and making a fool out of yourself at the bar and all the reasons she’s not into me (Pro tip: there’s a lot more than 19). Instead, she’s using her valuable time between dealing with her sisters who are almost a decade younger than me and filling out Scantrons to lecture me on why she’s not the protagonist in TGDAG (she is) and how she essentially does Will’s wedding diet all year ’round.
It never dawned on me that my perfectly respectable, lady-like (some of the time), vanilla-with-some-caramel-syrup girlfriend would fall for someone over 1000 miles away. Despite the fact that I occasionally “forget” to text her when I’m playing Fallout 4 or watching the Patriots look like fools against the Broncos (#TheNortheastRemebers) and I sometimes pick stupid arguments when I’ve had a bit too much Miller Lite, I would say I do a fair job at dressing up and pretending to be a respectable, postgrad boyfriend. I thought I had that shit on lockdown. And then she was introduced to the world of TGDAG.
Like every normal human being, I was/am/forever-will-be engrossed with TGDAG, and after a couple months of enjoying them in solitude, I opened her eyes to
paying for dinner and gas the series. Presumably, she saw herself in the protagonist and instantly loved reading about herself, as any colleged-aged girl does, although she claims she’s the “Caroline” of the group (Newsflash – she can’t handle her liquor like Caroline can. See: Halloween). As she delved deeper and deeper into the world of TGDAG and PGP, she began to truly realize the pure genius that is Chill deBreeze, as she refers to him as she twirls her hair, stares off into the distance and rubs my belly. After he clearly peaked in (or before) college and slummed it up in one of the colder regions of the US, he packed up his gear and moved himself to Austin (she’s a southern belle by birth), and in the process got a cush job with Grandex: this is the stuff that dreams are made of – he essentially writes clickbait articles, has some bs job title, and gets paid to #judge people at Whole Foods. I thought her infatuation with him was just going to be a little spark that I could use anytime I tried to smile but looked like I was taking a shit or decided that I was okay with putting on a pound or 25.
But alas, her infatuation grew into a full-on crush. She talked about his wedding schedule. She told me about his tweets and his “instas.” She even told me that she would move to Austin solely to win him over and then gloat about it in my face (I may have exaggerated part of that claim). She told me I was a “#poor” for not having an iPhone when Chill came out as 100% #TeamiPhone (unfortunately, I do agree with her on this).
It all came to a point over the holidays (I’m Jewish, can’t say Christmas) when I got this super excited text:
Her: OH MY GOOOOOOODDDDDD. CHILL JUST RETWEETED ME!!!!!!!
I was in the middle of a nasty Fireball bender (thanks, Dad), so I responded with something noncommittal, and I went on my merry way and ate some drunk latkes. The next day, she showed me what went down.
How I didn't caption this, "Bring me two piña coladas, one for each hand," is beyond me. Missed Opportunity City. pic.twitter.com/OFVShiBl2A
— Will deFries (@WilldeFries) December 26, 2015
Don’t get me wrong, I love Pina Coladas as much as the next middle-20s man, and I thought that was a good tweet, but it was nice thing to look scroll through while wasting as much of my work day as I could in the bathroom and nothing more. But then she comes back with:
Editor’s Note: her account has since been made private, but the tweet was her sitting on vacation with two piña coladas, one for each hand.
Outside of her decent DJ Khaled reference, I didn’t think her tweet was that special either. Unless she’s reading this, and then I think it’s the most clever tweet I’ve ever seen, honey. Until she got retweeted by the king on the mountain.
I’m not gonna lie, I give her credit where credit is due, and maybe I’m even a little jealous that Chill acknowledged her presence. But the story doesn’t end there. Since she’s afraid that he’s going to start thinking she’s stalking him, she made me add him on Snapchat (I acquiesced during a drunken night) so that she can watch his snap story while I’m taking a shower or doing literally anything else where I leave my phone unattended. She’s forces me to send snapchats to him when we’re drinking Pina Coladas and caption them with that now-infamous line. She tells me which of his tweets and Instagrams to look at and which ones to ignore. She tells me she “loooooooves” his new facial hair (although not gonna lie, she was very anti-‘stache). Also, Will, she wants to know where you got those joggers you were wearing during your Whole Foods blog.
I’m powerless to fight this enemy that I respect so much. I can’t stop reading his articles, so how is she going to stop crushing on him? I’m at a loss. My only solace is that he’s gonna eventually have to pop the question, and I can only pray that she doesn’t have a thing for married old men (although she has used the word “dilf” to describe multiple of her male professors; I’m screwed). I do my best to make things alright for her: we go to brunch, I buy her wine, I let her join me when I go to the gym in the morning. I even stopped watching Making a Murderer in the middle of the first episode because I was told, “I thought we were going to watch it together *frowny face emoji*.” But nothing works. I’ve thrown in the towel; I’ve admitted defeat. My only thing left is that at least I’ll have two Pina Coladas, one for each hand, and they’ll both be for me.
Man, that’s real. I had no idea Things Girls Do After Graduation would affect lives like that, but nonetheless, I never meant to cause relationships any harm. But, to address the column itself, here are some answers for you.
First off, I respect the entire Snapchat situation. Any time someone is drinking two piña coladas, I’m not going to turn down those Snapchats. Truthfully, I’m kind of glad that I could even be considered a go-to guy for that type of stuff.
I’m slightly hurt that she thinks any of my tweets and Instagrams are worthy of ignoring because all my content is fire, but hey, different strokes for different folks. But of course she likes the beard. This thing got RAVE reviews at the wedding I attended last week.
And finally, my joggers are from J.Crew but I’m thinking about reinvesting and getting some from lululemon because I’m a piece of shit that knows way too much about Things Girls Do After Graduation. .
Image via Instagram