It’s 90 degrees out. You can feel your feet squishing around in your loafers as you order a third Tom Collins at the outdoor bar. Sweat and dead skin riddle the soles of your one hundred and fifty dollar leather loafers and you’re already dreading the situation that is going to unfold once you return home. Gold bond in the loafers for the third time this week (even though it doesn’t do much of anything besides make your shoes smell like ass with a hint of mint).
There are few smells worse than rotten feet. And you can’t hop into bed with those dogs unless you want to wash your sheets tomorrow morning. So now you have to get in the shower and wash your feet even though you just want to crawl in bed and fall asleep.
I deal with this exact dilemma pretty much every weekend in the summer. And the shitty part is I’ve resigned myself to it because I can’t stand the thought of wearing socks during the summer months. It’s just a huge no for me even though not wearing socks with loafers or sandals is an incredible burden.
If you’re not already aware, it’s primetime for showing off those pasty ankles. Letting the big dogs breath after a winter being trapped in socks is liberating, but it comes with challenges for a person like myself who tends to sweat more than the average person. I use prescription deodorant, which has metal in it and literally blocks my pores from releasing sweat. Is it unhealthy? Probably. But it’s a hell of a lot better than “pitting out” ten minutes into taking a walk outside. Prescription deodorant does not work on feet like it does on armpits. Trust me, I’ve tried. And while I’m all for Will DeFries’ “no socks until September” creed, I simply cannot follow him down this path.
Lying in bed with the covers over me, my feet are sweating. It’s 45 degrees outside, yet my feet are secreting sweat like I’m in the Sahara desert. Every time I go barefoot with a pair of loafers or sandals, my feet start sweating almost immediately. Say I’m wearing a pair of Tevas or one of my two pairs of Birkenstocks. You’d think with all of the open air on the foot there would be minimal sweating. But you would be so very wrong. I’ve ruined two pairs of Birkenstocks from wearing them outside too often during the summer. The sweat builds up and forms a hard layer over the sole that can’t be undone. Those sandals are supposed to last a person years, but my gross, excessive sweat has ruined two pairs that are supposed to be in it for the long haul.
If it’s a day where I’m out drinking, which then turns into a night out at the bar, my feet and the shoes that I take off following these events smell like a goddamn war zone. In college when I still thought that Sperrys were a cool shoe to wear, I wore them pretty much everywhere from April until it started snowing. I vividly remember visiting a girl one summer in college who I had a huge crush on. Whenever I had to take my shoes off in her house, I would flip them upside down so the stench wouldn’t leave the shoes and travel into unsuspecting nostrils. So here’s the issue. I want to go no socks until September, but no show socks feel like cheating, and also it just isn’t the same. Like, yeah, they’re technically not showing, but people can still see that small little piece of sock sticking out which is annoying if your attention to detail is anything like mine.
Plus, going sockless is one of the great things about summer. Other than an orgasm, I can’t really think of anything better than walking around barefoot on freshly cut grass. If I had to choose between sex with Emily Ratajkowski and walking barefoot around Old Trafford (Manchester United’s stadium), I would choose having sex with Emily Ratajkowski. But I would have to think about it for a minute, because holy shit, guys. Old Trafford is the one of the most pristine plots of real grass in the entire world. When I see coverage of the field getting sprayed down with a little water right before a big match I get tingly inside. I’m open to suggestions. I’ve tried deodorant on the feet. Didn’t work. I’ve tried gold bond directly on the feet and inside my shoes. Didn’t work. I even tried soaking my feet in a disgusting tub filled with lukewarm oatmeal because a doctor I talked to told me that oatmeal closes up sweat glands. I’m at my wits end. Summer is fast approaching, and I’m not going to be the only bro at the bar wearing socks. I deserve a no sock summer just as much as anyone else. .
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