“Earth [is] the distinctively ascetic planet, a nook of disgruntled, arrogant creatures filled with a profound disgust with themselves, at the earth, at all life, who inflict as much pain on themselves as they possibly can out of pleasure in inflicting pain which is probably their only pleasure.” When Friedrich Nietzche wrote this, he would have never expected that the hungry would be intentionally spending hours at a time watching videos of delicious-looking food being prepared on the Internet. However, if you went back and explained it to him, he would not have been surprised.
And yet here I am, several months into my “get fit resolution” where six days a week my diet consists of a Publix turkey Cobb salad or, if I want to spoil myself, a carb-free Chipotle burrito bowl. It is truly a pathetic existence, but I had a number in mind when I started this and I’ll be damned if I don’t hit it for at least a day. Apparently I saw fit to celebrate the new administration by torturing myself. Actually, that makes a lot of sense, does it not?
Since I’m sedentary much of the week, my recommended daily caloric intake is probably around 2200-2400, even on days I work out. I’m probably hitting just over half that. The only way I don’t collapse in the street is that I drink about 4 to 5 cups of coffee per day. None of this is healthy, ironically, but it’s necessary.
Now that you have my backstory, let’s dig into what I decided to do today while work was slow. A burrito bowl meal prep Tasty video showed up on my Twitter timeline and led me down an “Alice in Wonderland”-caliber rabbit hole. I was taken in by the pure sensuality of the moist, juicy, perfectly cooked chicken they placed atop a bed of rice and smothered in stringy, delectable-looking cheese. My face was flushed. I had to unbutton the top button on my shirt. It was exhilarating.
I followed the links until I found more videos. The more you watch, the more all the videos, for lack of a better term, melt together into one big never-ending food porno of gooey melted cheese, juicy, perfectly cooked meat, and steam you can almost feel on your face coming off a hot meal. Then came the desserts. Crispy pastries. Soft, moist cake and thick, gooey chocolate. I was a goner. In fact, I was literally salivating and almost drooled on my shirt.
I recovered from my food porn daze about an hour or two later with no videos saved for actual recipe retrieval, my stomach growling, and the kind of hunger you feel when your body is in panic mode after a vigorous workout and you’ll eat as many calories as possible of just about anything, even spoonfuls of Crisco.
This sort of awful masochism is the price I pay for vanity and stubbornness, but if I don’t eat something by dinner time I expect to binge eat until I’m nauseas. What’s the probability of death within 24 hours after two to three Chipotle quesaritos? What about several Quarter Pounders with cheese? I guess I’ll find out tonight, and hopefully I don’t get a stroke..
Image via Williams-Sonoma / YouTube